Triple xxx!

Day 3 of my trip was a bit exhausting. I love my family and appreciate advice but at times is too much.

21 question:

Why are you divorced?
Who is the guy in the picture?
Are you guys serious?
He looks like he is not sincere.
He should do this or that.
He better treat you like this or like that.
Do you want kids? Why not? You should have kids you're getting old.
Why do you live in CT?
What are you doing with you're life?

Why so many questions? I don't understand. I feel like I'm at the fair and I have had ten hotdogs. Like I've been on on a spinning ride forever. And as soon as I get up my world is up side down. Then I speak to my mother whom only begins to cry; and then she is shocked because I'm divorced. After crying babies a beer and glass of wine I was Done.

Should I have to be a certain person to be excepted.

After a few hours of torture I finally got away with my cousins. We had a couple of drinks and talked about all the questions. It seems to be the consensus that we have all been in the fire. We shave all be tortured. Now why is that necessary? The question that will never be answered.

Well that's family for you and we all have one.

Day two San Joe

From San Francisco I was dropped off to San Jose. I arrived at my cousins house in time to have some tea with my aunt and do what we do. We began by talking about what we call "chismes", also known as gossip. We laughed and talked some more. The next morning I had a Mexican breakfast beans and carne con chile. Then we walked to pick up my niece from school. See this important to me because the east side of San Jose is where I grew up. Walking there it almost felt like home. Lester Shields elementary now was divided into two academies and Pala middle school is now Escuela Popular. Things have change as have I. This place brought great memories and many that I wish I did not remember. It reminded me that I'm still not from there or from here. All I know is that it is a page from my past.

San Francisco Trust

I arrive to San Francisco and I'm extremely excited. I can almost smell the fresh air as I'm walking to baggage claim. I can see the light and to my amazement my bag was right there. I picked it up and walked outside to wait for my friend Chris to pick me up. As I wait this woman pulls over and asked if had come from New York. I said yes. She asked if there were people still waiting for their lugged. Since she had a baby in the bag seat I offered to look, but I did not see anyone. What happened next I could not believe. She asked if I could watch her baby and cat so she could look for the person. I couldn't say no. There I am almost in the car watching this baby who cad the curliest hair I had seen. She looked like was going to cry so I began to make funny faces. She loved it. It must have been about two minuets max but it felt like an eternity. I almost thought it was a prank or I was in some show and someone would come out and say they were just testing my integrity. Unfortunately it was not like that. She came back thanked me and drove off.

In the end I'm glad that there are still people that trust. Maybe we are not all to damaged. If only we could all be that way.

Miles Away

Made it to the airport and after a long walk found my gate. I decided to have a coffee and muffin. I sat in a chair people watching. There was a gorgeous family sitting near me. There kids were so well dressed and the wife looked amazing in her long army green coat. Finally after a while we began to board. I was zone 3 which meant more waiting. After standing line for a about five minutes a lady in a fur vest asked me my zone. I told her zone 3 she began nagging about the wait. I just smiled and listened. As we started to move I allowed her to cut in front of me. We were in the hall when they asked us to check our bags due to no room in the cabin. I did not fuss because I knew my bag was almost to big for a carry on. Now this lady in front of me was furious. Started complaining and was in disbelief as to why they would do this to her. She has to give it up anyways. Ugh, at this time I just wanted my seat. It crossed my mind that she could be sitting next to me and really did not want that. Thankfully I sat next to a man who was very pleasant. We did not talk much and I slept the whole way to California.

I guess there are people who can adjust to change and others whom will suffer because the choose to.

Morning Dec 18, 2012

Well I have not been on here for a while. It seems that school, work life just takes over. It's 4:41am and I'm on my way to JFK airport to visit my family. My goal on this trip is to have fun and enjoy the ones I love. I do expect a lot of food and alcohol consumption. On top of maybe some drama. My second goal is to document and write of my adventure. Hope you have a blast reading. As I will have fun writing.p

It's raining cats and dogs this morning.

California here I come!!!!

November

I love this month! I feel like I'm growing more and more.

The soul grows if you let it. Let your heart and mind open up to any adventure that will come. Although there are many things that still are not 100% the way I want them I feel that I keep taking baby steps to move forward. "Never look back, never surrender" don't know where I heard this
quote.

One thing I really dislike is people that are board with there lives. Even if CT is not exotic or what you want don't let it take the best of you. Where ever, who ever you are just have fun.

Be yourself !!!

Rush

Sometimes I feel like there is an avalanche rolling down on me. I run from place to place. Doing everything I enjoy and all I must do. I forget to breath and then the wind hits me, to remind me that I live.

I have never been one to not have something going on. I heard someone say "do something". That thought never crossed my mind, because I just do it. Some people may think, I think to much or want to do to much. I seem to be full of ideas and thoughts, but why not? We live one life. Only one, and if I get to try as much as I can; I will be satisfied.

I may not travel much or do things like skydive, but I do what I want. I dance, sing, love, cry, laugh, eat and just savor life. Even if Connecticut is not China, Japan, Paris, Italy, Mexico or anywhere exotic. You get one chance to be the best, do your best, want the best; even if sometimes you forget to breath.

Stop being board with life. Stop wishing for someone's else's opportunities. Just do what you can to make yourself happy. Even if there are obstacles. If not today tomorrow. Take a walk, leap, or skydive.

I have always tried to get what I want. I don't know how not to. But the only thing I wish I did not do, has been done. I fell in love with you. Now I don't know how not to. This is when I do wish the avalanche would actually hit me. It would just be done. Instead, all I do and want is to love you.

Conflict

Conflict

He loves her
He loves me

His with me
Not with her

She damaged him
She gave him everything and took it away
She left her mark and he can't forget

He walks into my life and in a moment he has imprinted his presences
In a single moment I have fallen

He gives me what I think I want but really he shortchanges me

Have I become his stepping stone?
Have I made up the words and photographs in my mind?

Like the snow
White, wet, solid, soft, pretty, almost harmless, a storm that takes it all
His tenderness
The lifeless fire, I desire to ignite

He will never love me
I will never get him

Or who knows? The story has not ended
Oh, but there is still that conflict

All I could learn

All the things I could be better at...

If I could write better I would

To be able to spell without spellcheck would be nice

To have read all the classics would be like a million bucks

To work at the top of a skyscraper with the view of the sea would make me melt

To have traveled to far, far, far away places would be an experience

Falling for Prince Charming would have been the end of my fairytale

To have never met you would have been a tragedy

If I could be better at not loving you, I would

Except, I don't ever want to learn that

Deception

Once again I find myself at your door
I look into your eyes and once again everything fades away

Once again in your arms, you make me feel like I am fine

Once again you kiss my lips and I start to cry, because I know you are not mine

Once again my heart aches and I remember that day
The day you left me crying at my doorstep

Once again I want to go, but I can't walk away

Once again I ask " please don't lie" but I know that you have

This is the last time I let you drag me there
Once again I will be strong and my heart will beat like a drum

The sound will be strong, once again
Once again, once again

Two

Holding hands
Walking into the dark

Running through the light
Holding one another

Warm is the skin that inspires
Cold is when we don't understand

Disagree to agree
Agree to disagree

Magnifying our experiences

When there is sadness
When there is truth

Wondering

Feeling the itchiness of freedom

The push and pull

Smiles and tears
Climbing the Great Wall

Crossing the London bridge
Swimming the Pacific sea

We are friends

Running time

It always seems as though there is so much time and never enough, but it keeps ticking.

One moment we are born and we cry and then smile.

We start crawling and the walking, next we are running.

Dancing we head to school.
Singing, now we are in middle school.
Frighten we walking into high school.

Now we think we know everything and college begins or work, depending on the situation.

Time wakes us up and reminds us that we have so much more to learn.

Tick toc tick toc tick toc

Putting our arms out reaching for what we are missing

People whisper...

Is he married?
She is getting old to have children.

There is no rush on time.
One step at a time, one moment
A pause and then moving forward.

Oh that clock! Oh the time!
Wait, what time is it?

Why not?

Is it strange or flattering when someone stares at you?

I think that there are times when I space out and stare. Often I wonder if people think that I'm staring at
them.

And once in a while maybe I do. I find that there are people that have a strange yet a beautiful look. I know it seems weird, but for some reason that is what attracts me. I seems that I venture toward people with peculiar personalities or looks. It could be that I just connect better or they're more similar to me. Or they are more real. Whatever the reason, yes I stare...

Once in a while the feeling that someone is staring at me seems odd.
The other day, for example, I was falling asleep in class and I woke up because I felt that feeling. Across the room this very attractive boy was staring at me. Quite embarrassing because I think I almost drooled. I thought it was just amusing to him. But then again, another day as I was watching the teacher read out of the book and I was spacing out when I felt it. That boy staring again.

A few days later I was on the second floor with my class. We had gone there to eat pizza and listen to the school band, that I did not know existed. As I'm listening to the band intrigued by the sound of the violin. I begin to sway side to side. I start to think how much I always wanted to learn to play an instrument, really the violin. And all of a sudden there straight across the room I felt dark, dark brown eyes staring at me. This time is not the boy from my stats class, but the boy playing the cello. For a second, I though he could just be concentrating immensely. At the end of the concert I gathered my things and walked toward the door. This boy stops me and with a shaky hand he introduces himself. "Hello, I'm Derek" I shake his hand and confused I say my name.

I know these stories are almost pointless, but how is one suppose to feel or think? Maybe it's hard for me to understand because I just believe that everyone can be friends. Yes, it's almost naive to think that, but why not? Flattering or strange staring happens, I guess...

Work in Progress

At the age of 27 I did not imagine my life the way it is. Maybe I never really imagined what it would be like, to be really honest.  I just never in a million light years imagined that I would be living in Connecticut and getting a divorce. It is true, when you are a child you want to believe that everyone around you is not that smart." We know everything, so we think". One thing that I was sure of is that by now I would have gone to college, have my own office or company for that matter. Instead, life had its own plan for me. There are many things that humans can control, like what you will eat tomorrow and where you may go. Then there are things that just happen. Natural unexpected situations that you somehow don't seem to have control over, It's more like your heart won't let you control and you make other choices.

At the age of 18 I had grown up faster then most my age. By that time I already knew how to change diapers, cook, make cloths, feed babies, love, and how to run a household. Not that I have kids, but I kinda did with 3 younger brother. Sure, this may sound like a sad story, but its not. I would never allow it to become another sob story. I chose to take charge of my brothers and that does not make me part of a sad story. Yes, my father was not around and my mother left us. I had to work extra hard and put a hold on many dreams and goals but that is something that I do not regret.

I am 27, and at the age of 21 I married a man whom I thought I would live happily ever after with. Not that he was a horrible man or I was a horrible wife. It's almost hard to explain why I am where I am now, because it all seemed perfect. We had a house, two dogs and jobs but my heart got lost. I fell out of love. I found myself walking in a circle over and over as it snowed, and I could not find my way back. I tried but it was to late. My entire life I wished and hoped that the person I would marry would be the one for my lifetime,  as it turn out It was not so. Foolish girl I am.

At 25 living hear in Connecticut all alone for the first time in my life I began to think, just like I always do. I began to dissect everything. I now had time to feel what I had never allowed myself to feel. For the first time I could be mad at those who have hurt me, left me or simply deemed to destroy me. In the same year I had started to build a relationship with a father that I had not seen or spoken to since I was five. All these emotions, for the first time they where not in a drawer neatly stored away. It all took over and I began to run instead of walk. I no longer was sensible and soon I began to fear everything and everyone.

Then one day I met a man. A man whom for some reason, he was like a magnet that i could not run from. he began to try keys to unlock me and even though I fought against it, the key kept turning. I found myself slowly feeling and the falling for him. Now that I'm 27 I do not know if he will be the one for the rest of my lifetime. I do know though that for now it works.

If I am telling this story it is not to justify my actions or to make believers of my story. If I am writing about this is because I'm work in progress. I have slowly learned that you feel things good and bad. You take every moment and you can choose to take what you want out of it. I am not completely over everything but I know that there is a solution to everything.

What will happen tomorrow I do know. What will happen after that not so sure. I know that I am more ready now that I was before. I have a family I love, friends that I love, two dogs that I love, roommates that I love and more.

This year I say cheers to whats in stored for me, because whatever it is can only keep shaping my path. Its my billion piece puzzle. Sometimes I will wedge the wrong piece with the wrong piece. Soon I will discover the correct pieces.

A Bitter Melody

Sad song
Songs, poems, and letters

To drink wine and fabricate dinner
Swimming in a bath of love

Smelling the sweet smell of happiness
The bliss of a kiss

To walk in the park and feel the warmth of a hug

Laughing at nothing and flying with joy

The thorns slowly fall and blossom in a garden for you

The colors are intense and vivid
Sounds of your voice
A most beautiful melody

My nose no longer cold my hands tied to yours

My heart it pours my voice
My sight is lost and you're the guide

A song comes on
A sad, sad song
And you are gone

I love this song.

Light a roman candle with me
Just a roman candle, you can wear your sandals
and I'll pour you just one cup of tea.
Then you can go and rest
you haven't seen my best, so...

Just spend an evening with me
Just a lazy evening, then you could be leaving
or we could stay and talk until three.
I will think it's magic and I'll hope you'll agree, so...

Light a roman candle with me.
Just a roman candle.
Just a perfect apple.

If we were honest and both wrote a sonnet together
a sandwich with everything on it,
at least we would know that the sparks didn't glow
but we owe it to ourselves to try,
so we aim and ignite!
So often I call and I plead with you:
"Give me a chance!"
It's not often that I understand
the ins and the outs of what's wrong and what's right
So don't think of tomorrow tonight.

Oh, I know, it goes on, it gets old
But for now we're young, we smell good, we're alone...

You look for a legend,
I'm looking for common ground.
Your heart isn't breaking,
and mine isn't making a sound.

Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old
Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old...

Light a roman candle with me.
Just a roman candle.
Just a perfect apple.

By FUN

Trust

There are times I don't know who I am. Lately more than ever.

I have to trust myself
I have to trust the world
I have to trust those I love
I have to trust

Take a step back Karla and breath. You are better than what you have been lately. Trust and believe in yourself.

Easy

If love was easy
No castles would exist
Romeo and Juliet would have vanished from Shakespeare

Shakira would not have any songs to sing
Hollywood would be dead

The frog would never charm us
The princesses would kiss a fish

We would live in Pleasantville and there would be no color

Romance novels would be written in a language that only aliens could understand

There would be no heroes or damsels in distress

Hercules would have no muscles and Eve would have never sinned

Flowers would be white and everyone would be a robot

We would all be like the Tin Man and there be no Dorothy to help us find our heart

If love was easy I would have never met you

3

Number 3
The number of brothers I thought I had
The number of girls that live at 34 Crocker
The number that wakes me up in the middle of the night
The number of pets I wish I had but I only have two
The number of step siblings I have
The number o floors I walk up
The number on the door at the parking lot
The number of tooth brushes I have
The number on the clock that makes me want to nap
The number I wish would go away sometimes
The number 3

Super Tyson

Well it's nice to wake up to the awful sound of chickens. So, I get up because the sound is unbearable. It's 5:45am and I wanted an extra hour of sleep, but instead I build up the courage to get up and go for a run. It's a cold morning, my nose is cold but I finally flip the covers and step on the wooden floors. The magic is suddenly gone and I hop up. I have to use the bathroom but in the effort to not wake the roommates or the dogs, I get dressed as fast as possible. I get my socks and creep to the bathroom. The tile is cold and I feel the breeze come in from the window. I brush my teeth and hear the dogs rattling in the crate. Before I walked out I put on my socks and open the door. I put my shoes on and grab my headphones. My hands are cold but I begin to run. In the process of being half asleep and cold I trip over some branches. Five minutes later I forget that it had happened and continue my journey. My run ends at five after seven. I let the dogs out and I follow to pick up the poop so my roommate can mow the lawn this afternoon. It all seemed good, and then YES it happened. Tyson the "super dog" jumped the six foot fence. I know it's seems like I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. It's not the first time he's done it. So, I do what I always do. I walk out the front door to my neighbors backyard in search for him. I find him eating the cat food the neighbor has left out. I grab him by his collar because I have forgotten his leash. We began to walk back when we saw The cat. " "The Cat" is the cat that sits in front of our door just to tease the dogs. Tyson starts to run towards the cat and all I can do is grab on to him, almost hoping on him like horse. Only, he is so fast I slip still holding on to him and I get dragged across the yard. "The Cat" vanishes and I'm left holding on to Tyson and completely soaked. I walk in the house finish the poop duty and rush into the shower. Somehow I manage to still be late for class. On my way to work I get a text that Comcast is due. Great! I thought it was not due until the 27th but I'm wrong. As I read the text and drive a cop pulls next to me and waves. It's a wave of " what the heck are you doing" and I put it down. I know it all seems minor but in the scheme of Karla things I'm overwhelmed.So, I say Bring it On! Whatever is going on cannot continue like this all day.

Bewitched

Embrujada
Como una receta de pan dulce
Con el alma de una paloma
Como una poción
La tome y encantada me quede
Poco a poco fui cambiando
Batiendo mi espíritu con amor y dolor
Como una hechicera llegaste a cambiar mi vida
Como una hada me calló el polvo que me hizo volar
Igualmente y de repente mis ojos abrí
Buscando la salida y no la encontré
Cada puerta, siempre muy pequeña
Cada llave no cabía
Embrujada me has dejado
Atada con mi propia necedad
Como capricho de una niña necia
Embrujada sin salida

Light

Opening your eyes means getting closer to the light- KV

Easy

It was easy to light up a room
It was you
When I was walking in the dark
It was you
When I was running without stopping
It was you
When I smiled
It was you
When I cried
It was you
When I danced and almost was able to fly
It was you
When I felt the wind
It was you
When I thought I had reached and touched the sky
It was you
When I opened my eyes
It was all a dream
It was me

To Feel

Sometimes being logical is difficult

Being blind is easier than putting on your glasses

Soaking in wine is better than being sober

Running away is easier than trusting

When someone loves you it's always hard to believe that they can

Picking everyone else up is easier than helping yourself

Smiling is easier than letting anyone know your not happy

Sometimes we have to think
Sometimes we have to actually see
Sometimes putting the glass down is okay
Staying is not as hard as it seemed
Sometimes I should help myself so I can help others
Sometimes it's okay to cry and let someone see you do so
I should, we should start believing that someone can love you and let them love you.

Sometimes believing is hard, but believe it because it exist

You are alive

When

When people are in love ......
A sad song sounds romantic but it's not
A rainy day seems better but it's still gloomy
When you spill wine you laugh
Falling is okay because you have the strength to get back up
A mountain seems as small as a hill
A goodnight is exciting because tomorrow you get to see them
Cleaning and cooking are no longer chores they are fun projects
Eating is no longer for survival is a natural event
Smiling is not forced you just do it
You don't think twice about changing your plans
You stop dreaming because it's just reality
When you are in love....

Septiembre

Nací en septiembre con el alma de julio.
Con el resplandor del sol y el fuego que me deja sentir.
Como las flores en abril
Yo florecí y crecí
Poco a poco, fui coloreando mi vida como un arco iris
Los colores rojos, azules, verdes y mas
Cada momento calculado por dios
Ha hora, estoy parada esperando con esperanza
Llena de amor
Volteando la pagina para poder sentir
Para poder vivir
Cansada de esperar, yo volé y encontré lo que buscaba
Volando con el sentir del viento y el frío
Por primera vez soy libre, por primera vez ame, por primera vez sentí
Nací en septiembre en el otoño, pero seguiré colorando, viviendo y creciendo.

Memories

I could never say "this is the house I grew up in." I moved many times and lived in many houses. I could never say I vacationed here. I could never say this is where my first tooth fell off. I could never say that, so and so are my best friends since kindergarten. For a long time now I wished I knew what that kinda life was like but, not anymore. I have excepted the fact that I move around a lot. As an adult now I have figured out that no matter where, when or with who, memories are made everyday. People are made by memories and my memories are different and maybe not "normal." The fact is that you are who you are because of your ability to let yourself feel and grow. It does not matter what house you grew up in or when you met your best friend. Whenever it happened and where it happened cannot determine the rest of your life.

"Something" by Shakira

Quand tu
Quand tu me prends dans tes bras
Quand je regarde dans tes yeux
Je vois qu'un Dieu existe
Ce n'est pas dur d'y croire

Before I met you I wasn't terribly lucky
Every Prince Charming lost charm after twelve
But then you came and made the past look so funny
Put my old sadness to sleep on a shelf

If this was meant to be
Don't condemn me to be free
And even if we never marry
I will always love you, baby
Childishly

'Cause something
You've got something I can't resist
Things are what they will be
When I look into your eyes
They say to me that God still exists

And there's something
You've got something I can't resist
Things are what they will be
When I look into your eyes
They say to me that God still exists
You make me believe
You make me believe

I love the temperature and smell of your body
The shape of your lips and the size of your nose
I love that everything you say is so funny
Plus you're the best kisser that I've ever known

You see the way I am
Without make-up, without clothes
And you accept me like nobody
And I will always love you, baby
With eyes closed

'Cause something
You've got something I can't resist
Things are what they will be
When I look into your eyes
They say to me that God still exists

And there's something
You've got something I can't resist
Things are what they will be
When I look into your eyes
They say to me that God still exists
You make me believe
You make me believe

Quand tu
Quand tu me prends dans tes bras
Quand je regarde dans tes yeux
Je vois qu'un Dieu existe
Ce n'est pas dur d'y croire

There's something
I believe...

There's something
I believe...

There's something
I believe
I do

You make me believe...

... Je te desire ...

I obviously did not write this song but it's one of my many favorite songs. Just wanted to share a little of what inspires me.

Boy

Peculiar he was
Always exploring
Searching for answers

Great at math with the smily face
He was growing up
He did not fit in
He got mad

His brother was cool and the other was funny
His sister was weird but cool all at once
His mother was beautiful
His grandmother his friend
Although he loved science
he would trade it for a sense of identity

As smart as he was, he got lost
He lives everyday wishing he'd done more with his brain

He tries to fix it but all he gets is not enough
I know he will make it
He will find himself
One day he will understand life is not fair
He will overcome the battle
The peculiar boy will be a man

Grass

There are many situations in my life that have made me want something more or different. There have been many people that have made me want to be like them, that inspired me. I can sit here and think of all the "what ifs" that could have been, or do something. There is someone in my life that recently has showed me to accept what I am, what has happened, and what will be, and simply just be me. Some people say that "the grass is much greener on the other side," but I think that instead of looking at other peoples grass, I will work on just growing mine.

Yes there might be that girl/guy that you would like to be like. Or the picture perfect relationship. Even, the parents you wish you had. In the end that is just a waste of energy.

So, I say focus on what you do have and cherish it, maintain it, love it, but most of all experience it. Don't let it pass you by.

I will not be broken

Broken I am
Thousands of pieces
Like a porcelain plate

Never one house
Never one place

Lost in a sea
In search of for the key
The treasure

Lies all tangled in a web
Always guessing
Always questions

No answers
No idea why?

Could she have broken me more?
Could she hurt me more?
When is it enough?

Hitting me, screaming at me, pulling me, bashing me, leaving me.

Laying there cleaning up for her
Picking up the pieces
Sweeping up her mess

She is always running away
No not me
No I won't

I will glue the pieces
I will fix me
I will not let her beat me

I will not be broken

America Changed Me

         In the perfect Mexican family, woman are known to be amazing daughters, sisters,  granddaughters, and wives, I was born to be me. At the age of fifteen, a Mexican girl is considered a woman. She is to learn how to cook, iron, wash cloths, change diapers, how to sit, what to wear, but most importantly to stay quite. I believe that my parents thought I would someday fit the mold.  The one thing they neglected to think of is what would happen, if I grew up in the United states? It happened, at the age of five my mother brought us to America, that was after the divorce. The day I set foot into our new house I could not completely comprehend what was happening but I certainly knew my life had changed. I grew up learning how to be a proper woman, but in the mist of it all I became outspoken, strong, and independent.

       Growing up as a Mexican girl in America has its challenges. Trying to please your family and learning you have options is tough. As my mother or grandmother would cook, I was forced to sit and learn. All I wanted was to read or go outside and play soccer with the boys, but that was not proper. As time passed, I learned that if I did what I was told and did it fast It would give me time to explore. I began to read, watch the news, and made it on to the honer role.  In the process my brothers would tease me "you're so white washed" they assumed that because I did well I was better than them. My mother, well, she was indifferent, as long as I learned to cook and clean. Instead of letting all the negatives get to me, I made it my fuel. The more comments I heard , the more my mother did not care, the less I wanted to be like them and the stronger I grew.

Don't get me wrong, Its not like cleaning and cooking is a bad thing it just was not all I wanted. And, I'm sure my mother wanted a great future for me ,but sadly she didn't know how to show that she cared. At least this is my theory. now back to the story.

            By becoming stronger I also became outspoken. Seeing the way my mother's boyfriends treated her and talked to her, angered me.There are many qualities that I like about my mother, but letting men degrade her was not one. In this process the fairytale in my head slowly died, and I created my own opinion about life, love and what I wanted.I slowly began to speak out. If something bothered me or I disagreed I would say something, but I did it in a lady way. If one of my mothers boyfriends disrespected her I would stand up for her. In school I became a leader, at home I stated my point of view. This did not go over well in some cases, but I learned to respect others opinions, and that my ideas are not the only ideas.


I'm not a feminist and do not agree that woman can do anything men can. It goes both ways there are many thing both men and woman can not do as well as the other. " There is a time, a place, and the proper moment to speak"-Karla Villa

Building character and breaking out of my shadow, I also learned how to be independent. Unlike my mother, I learned not to depend on anyone. If I wanted something, I earned it. In fourth grade I worked at a laundry-mat and prior to that I would babysit for everyone. I tried to not ever ask for much. When I played sports I found my own way there and back. I walked to school every day. At the age of eighteen after my mother vanished I got an apartment and took care of my brothers. I did not allow many people to try and help. I felt that if I let anyone in I would get weaker. No one could ever say "Because of me you have this or that." If I failed, I picked myself right back up: always have, always will.

I may never be the "Perfect Mexican woman" Now I am the perfect Mexican/American woman and I will continue to learn and grow.

        


 

Charlie

There once was a boy named Charlie

A boy with big dreams
He was strong and funny

So peculiar he was
Always investigating
Always in search of something

Charlie be good
Charlie don't do that
Charlie stop that
Charlie grow up

Never, Charlie I love you
Charlie your great!
Charlie your smart

Oh, that boy

All he wanted was to play
All he wanted was a hug
All he wanted was a path a guide

Slowly he shattered
He was lost in the web of uncertainty
Lost in the tangles of life between the good and the bad

No one to catch him
No one stop him
No one to hug him
Mm
Still till this day that boy named Charlie tried to find himself
Still in the search he finds himself
Alone in the jungle that he can't seem to get out of

Waiting is Charlie
Thinking he is
Missing he is
There is a boy, a boy named Charlie

I miss him, I love him, I only wish him the best

Kaleidoscope

Looking back I see the ups and downs

Every moment slowly climbing and falling faster

Tric trac Tric trac was the sound
My muscles tense
At the top I waited every time

Over and over it would happen

Holding and holding
Waiting and waiting

Searching and finding
Hating and loving

Slowly the wall came up
Always running away
Always pushing away
Never allowing myself to feel
Adding the bricks one by one
Bigger than The Great Wall of China

Guarding myself like Joan of Arch

One day as I was falling
Hitting the ground,
exploding, and bursting, I was found

I find myself feeling
The pain slowly disappearing
Like the fog sometimes coming back
The awareness of my downfalls before my eyes
Every memory, every burn, every scar, the reminder of all my pain, slowly fading away.

Falling into a a sea into his arms
Standing there afraid but completely happy, feeling peace
The happiest I have ever been

Like a kaleidoscope
Full of colors and shapes
Excited to see what is next
Like a child waiting for school to end
Like the sky waiting for a rainbow after the rain
Hoping this felling never goes away

This is not a poem but my beginning.

How to begin my story? I was born to a young couple who lost their dreams when they had me. At the age of five they got a divorce and my mother brought us to the US. I wish I could say that things were better, but instead they were worse. For the first year I found myself confused trying to understand why? Why my father would no longer be around? At the age of six I lived with an aunt and during that time I was also confused. Living with her was not easy or fun. At the age of seven I moved back with my mother. Then I moved with my grandmother for middle school. Again back with my mother. Then on my own at the age of eighteen. My life has been somewhat of a roller coaster, always up and down. I have always walked on my toes. Waiting for the next fall is not easy. This may all sound a bit random but it brings me to the present. July 2008 I moved to Connecticut. Of all places to go, why Connecticut? Well, the story starts with a boy. A boy whom I decided was worthy of changing my life forever. What I did not expect is that our destiny did not want us together. Why I have moved so much in 26 years I can't explain, but I do know that for the first time in my life I don't walk on my toes. Although I'm so scared I feel a bit normal. I have great friends old and new ones. I have myself to worry about and no one else. I go to school and work. It seems as though my ducks are in a row. Still I can't help but to look in the mirror and wonder why? I know I can't see the future and don't want to, but I have a feeling that this is a new start. A fresh beginning where I make my destiny. I make my own path. I can choose to move, love, dance, cry, run, walk, laugh, jump or simply enjoy what comes my way. I know It may sound so simple, maybe it is. I have met someone that has made me see this. I'm the happiest I have ever been and the most of afraid, in the end I know it will all be great.

The Dilema

To be born in Mexico and grow up in the US was my destiny.
Not an easy way to grow up

learning Spanish and English at the same time.

I had to learn American history and Mexico history.

Had to learn to translate for my mother and had to teach my brother.

I ate tacos and pizza
I had popsicles and paletas

I had people say I looked too Mexican
Others said I was not mexican enough.

I danced Banda and learned how to dance to hip hop

Luis Miguel an Michael Jackson
Shakira and Brittany spears
Menudo and Backstreet boys

Never dated Mexican boys and was judged for that
Dating American boys became my type.

My brothers said I was white washed, but if trying to have a better life means that then perhaps they are right.

Let me just say that these things aren't what define me. I am not from there or from here. Not from Mexico and not from the US. I am Karla.

The daughter of Emilio and Fabiola
Sister of Emilio, Emilio, Jonathan, Oscar, Daniel, and Gloria.
I'm strong, loving caring and honest.

I'm not from the north or the south I'm a combination of colors, cultures, music, style, languages, inspiration, ambition, and most of all I am ME.

Who I am

My confessions
Who I am

I think too much
When I think I factor in all the pieces

I give advice that I forget to recycle
Oh, yea you should....

I Don't know how to lie
Did you do this? Yes

I cry at least once a month
Sometimes it's a happy cry and other times are sad

I sing but can't hold a tune
La lala la

I clean all the time, as if I could make germs disappear

I have way too many shoes
Red, brown, flats, boots and some I have never walked in

Babies and dogs make me happy
They re so sweet and innocent who would not love them

I play soccer all tho I'm not Hope Solo

I enjoy food and wine
An ahi tartar and a glass of pinot, but my favorite is enchiladas and a shot of tequila

The best feeling in the world is waking up on a spring or fall brisk morning, walking outside no shoes and feeling the kiss of the sun

An early morning kiss and a goodnight whisper make me melt.

Dresses and bathing suits are all I need in the summer

I don't make thing easy but I'm willing to be there for you

I love flowers and secretly wish I received more

I sink into my pillows and feel calm when I hear the rain

I dance and run
I tell stories that have no ending or beginning

I talk to much and never say enough

I hope and have faith
I'm a friend, a sister, a daughter

When I love I love with all my heart
I use my five senses to feel even the smallest touch
I let you in to my heart

This is a fraction
There is so much more
All I ask is a chance to know me, patience, and time

I share these confessions because I believe it's better to confess first

Oh, by the way I'm Karla

Broken

Irretrievable is such a strange word to me.
I don't use it much because I was always told that anything is possible unless your dead.
How do you fix relationships where one does not love?
If only I could feel what he feels
If I could love what he loves
To be able to look thru his eyes and see what I'm missing
Will I love the way he loves me ?
Will the one I love, love me the way I love him?
I guess it's irretrievable, there is no fixing
Waiting and trying is all I can do
Hoping to understand what was, will be, could not be.

En Busca de un Color

El color de mi tierra, morado
Vibrante y alegre
El color de mi familia, rojo
Lleno de vida, palpitando
El color de mi amor, verde
Creciendo con abundancia
El color de mi honestidad, blanco
Con pureza y sin maldad
El color de mi amistades, anaranjado
Lleno de sonrisas y felicidad
El color de mi alma, rosado
Lleno de ternura y paciencia
El color de destino, gris
Lleno de dificultades, vueltas, pero con esperanza de algún día encontrar la luz
El color que reflejo, no lo encontrado porque todavía me falta vivir, perder, ganar,  triunfar, pero sobretodo me falta alcanzar el pico de la montaña. 
El color de una iguana siempre cambiando con deslumbres.

I know that this poem is in Spanish and most will not understand, but it is a poem about the colors of my life. I would translate it but I truly believe that one should not translate certain things because they lose there meaning. I will say that I am like a lizard always changing color in my journey.

Smile

I came to work yesterday to find a wonderful surprise. My friend Emily came by the office over the weekend and left a lovely note on my desk. It read "Karla I miss you" heart Emily. It is those small things that make me happy. So, I decided that I would try my best to smile to everyone I encountered all day in hope I made a difference in their day.

Today take a moment to make a difference. Smile!

Smile to make someone smile
Smile to bring sunshine in someones heart
Smile to inspire
Smile like there is no tomorrow
Smile just to smile

The White Knight

In the dark I find myself thinking
In the dark I am

I know you never promised forever
I just ask for you to stay a little longer

I can only hope you are the one for me,
the one that never ceases

Never say good bye

My knight, the night
My king, the light

To smile and to hold

I know forever is too long
Oh do I long for you to stay

My only option is to wait
Be patient, they say

I hope you never say forever
I just plead for you to stay a little longer
Don't walk away, Dont't look away

Kiss me and caress me
and never go away

Let me not get ahead, all I want is for you to stay just one more day.

Green light, Red light, or maybe Yellow

There are times in our lives when we say the wrong thing. Other times we just barf it out without thinking. Just like the commercial, you just want to get away.  Now is it wrong to be to vocal or ask for what you want. I can't speak for everyone, but I do find myself running instead of walking at times. For many who don't know me I might come across as overwhelming.


My new goal today is to take a step back and breathe.

I need to flow like the river.

Grow

Tia Lucy, Tia Norma
Abuelita, they say I have no hipsWait, why do I want hips I'm only a kid?
And I began to search for them

Days went by
Years added up
Waiting and waiting
And still no hips

Then one day
I came home and there they were!
Looking in the mirror the hips just stared

I looked at them with such despair
I no longer able to wear my favorite pair of jeans
Oh, those hips just laughed
I cried and stomped, I could not comprehend or button my pants

So, I went to visit and they said hurray!
Why are they oh so happy?
She is finally a woman, she said
She will be able to have children,
She is strong now, they all whispered with great smiles on their face

Took some time and some maturing to understand
To love me
To walk with pride
With no shame I walked, and dared to step into a new pare of pants

Like a flower, I bloomed
Maybe, someday I will grow
to understand why hips don't lie
they just grow

True color

Standing here peeling layers
One color at a time
Some are thick, others smooth
Some are black and some are red

With every strip you may notice a bit more of me
As I continue you may find things that I have hiden, for far to long
Deeper I go
One by one
Its not easy, It is hard

You may start seeing parts that are so harsh
Parts that are hard to understand
Like many, you may want to run
or stare
You may want to help,
but you wont know which is the beginning and where does it end

If I peel this layers and let you in
You will find my deepest secrets
You may find my pain

If I let you in
Will you walk by my side?
Will you never regret?
Could you stay a little longer?
Or perhaps stay forever?
Could you love me just a little?

This is me
This who I am
I'm open like a canves driping in paint
This are my questions
As I peel all this layers
Will you help me be release

This are my color
Let us begin

Summer

Today is one of those days I wake up and I feel like a child. Spending a day in the house all the windows open. Feeling the summer heat and laying on the kitchen floor cooling down. Eating some ice and walking barefoot outside. The pavement hot yet comforting. Everything about summer makes me feel safe. If only everyday was a day of summer.

"brilliant and sparkly"

One of the biggest chalenges for me is to relax. How does one relax when there is so much going on? Today is one of those days where I have to talk to myself and relax. Someone once told me "live in the moment and enjoy
it" It seems so easy, but for someone like me it's intense. I feel like my brain is going 1000 miles an hour. One of my new goals is to be me, live now, and just be "brilliant and sparkly".

On Webster dictionary
1 : very bright : glittering
2 a : striking, distinctive b : distinguished by unusual mental keenness or alertness.

1 a : to throw out sparks b : to give off or reflect bright moving points of light c : to perform brilliantly

I will try and be Me! That's all I can be.

One day in Love

Love
Love is an action
It's trust in one another
Support when days are blue
Chemistry , like an equation you want to find the answer

Love is all the things you can't explain.
The feeling of laughter
The point when you can't stop smiling till your cheeks hurt 
The happiness you can see from miles away

Is looking at the person and forgetting anything or anyone exist 
Is as if time stops
You can't think, and you have to remember to breath

Love is inconvenient
Love is unexpected
Love is all you want
love is the action, the emotion, feeling, its what keeps us alive
Love is

Fly

When people come into our lives we don't ever expect them to leave.
The sad truth is that they come and go. Life is a constant change, at least the most consistent part of our lives. With every friendship, love or any kind of relationship we grow and learn. With every touch, laugh, cry, hug, and kiss we develop as people. It's as if we are all caterpillars waiting to become butterflies. The process is slow, but in the end the results make us who we are. Our wings grow and we learn to fly. Where our wings may take us is a mystery, but an adventure that we will never forget. Whether people stay forever or only one day lets learn, grow, and cherish every moment.

I was only 5

He stayed behind

He stayed behind
She move forward
Walking over the mountains
Following the light she went
Pulling her children

Faster and faster she walked
Feeling the pain she cried
Into the tunnel she entered
Searching for guidance

Soon she would find it
Leaning against her she did
No hesitation, no process, not thinking
Assuming she would understand

She pulled her and pushed her
She whispered and screamed
She dragged her and embraced her
Filling her with pain

Hoping she would help her
She continued, forgetting that she too would need her
Forgetting that she would grow up

That she would also cry, she would also search for the light

And she grew and she walked
With all the pain and all her might she ran
No one around her, no one to lean on
Only her courage, Only her might
She will find light

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Bienvenidos a mi vida

I know that so far most people don't understand much about my poems or who I am. Most of what I write is part of my life. I have always loved to write, but like most I was unsure I had the skill. I'm not a professional and it will be hard for some of you to understand. My goal is to have fun and put down all that I think and feel. Some poems maybe sad others happy. Hope to introduce other thoughts in a variety of ways such as pictures, poems and just writing in general. Life has had many turns, ups downs and I'm sure we can relate in one way or another. We are all unique. mainly because all experiences impact all people differently. In 26 years I think I have walked a very unique path. I always say that anything that happens is another page to a book that will be written. For that reason I have decide to test myself. All one can do in life is try and if we fall pick ourselves up. Here is my life as I know it.

Enjoy It as much as enjoy writing!

Karla Villa

So it Began

Day two

The storm
The wind blowing hard
The rain hit like a beating drum
And there they were
Two lost children fighting
Trying to make sense
No understanding of how to fix it
It rained and rained
Searching for the light they gave up
Looking to the north
Looking to the south
Forgetting their little girl
Their journey began
With no thought they walked away
Step by Step they walked

Day One

Day one
She was born September 28,1985
Two lost people who loved and lost
They were lost like dust in the wind
Soaked in the waves of the ocean 
Falling rapidly, like falling stars into a universe of unknowing knowledge
There She was, a new born child waiting to grow
Like a seed waiting to sprout

Born in the state of Michoacán,  Mexico.
Her name Karla Paulett Villa
Taking a breath of air, smiling, soaking
Lost in the colors of her new life
Confused as to what mountain she would climb


Soon to paint her own path
She was born to two people lost in the canvas of life
Molding her they began
As they pulled, shaped, bent, and formed her
And she started the journey

The journey has drawn a path
Where she will go, Where she will be
Not one can tell