I used to think that love would come to you full of passion
and madness, oh the madness. I imagined myself full of anger yet full of love;
the kind of love that you read about in novels or poems. I have had that kind
of love. That love I had was madness but yet it hurt. I have also have had the
other kind of love, the love you stay in because you love the person so much it
hurts you to know they are not who you want to spend the rest of your life
with.
After a long, crazy, up and down relationship with someone whom
I really believed was my true love I learned that I only had ideas of what love
was really about.
Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that love is a powerful
feeling, unspeakable and therefore making you do things you could never have imagined
doing. I have played every role in the book, “the damsel in distress”,
“dominator”, “the let me change my life for you”, but after all that I realized
one thing. When you are looking for love you cannot allow yourself to be anyone
but yourself. The second thing I learned was that you have to love yourself
before you can love. Last I learned that love comes in different shapes and
colors.
After my last relationship I went on many dates, dates that
were boring, crazy fun and others merely crazy.
I was drowning in alcohol and making every bad decision I could
have possibly made. I mean, I was single, hurt and ready for fun. That soon got old, what seemed fun became just
an excuse for me to try and forget. The more I tried, the more I failed,
embarrassed myself and continued to be lonely.
Right before Christmas there was a company holiday party and
my co-worker was going to go with me. Not sure why but I did not want to show
up alone since everything else in my life seemed lonely. Last minute he said he
could not go, so I texted any boy in my phone to see if they were free. I had
no luck so, I contemplated not going. That same week I had been texting back
and forth with a boy who could have become M#3 (Mike). We had met online and he seemed nice, funny
and was handsome. I did what most people would have never done, I asked him to
go with me. He agreed.
I got ready that day and drove over to his house not knowing
what to expect or what would happen. Most normal logical people would have
never done what I did. Off we went to the party. After that we talked for a few
weeks and then came a text (he could have called, but men don’t do that nowadays). He said to me “I have to let you know that
I’m not looking for a relationship, if you want to keep hanging out, we can” in
other words he wanted a friend with benefits. At that moment I was not mad or
sad but I wish I was on a dating game show and I could have used a big red X to
X him out. SO, I said we could only be
friends and nothing else, if I wanted to have meaningless sex I could find
anyone else.
After that I received text messages from him to go to the
movies or out for drinks but it would never happen. One night he text me while I was at a bar
with my girlfriend. He asked for us to go over to his brother’s house for
drinks. At the time my girlfriend was
single and I remember thinking his brother was handsome, so off we went.
We spent the night having beers and joking, all five of us.
The entire time I had no chemistry with him but his brother and I seemed to
just be seamless, As if the stars had been aligned. At the time I did not take
notice because I had declared I was out of the dating club at least for a
while, plus I was still a bit hung up on my ex who would show up once in a
while. This guy asked entirely wrong
questions, including political opinions, religion and sex but somehow I was not
mad. At the end of the night my
girlfriend swore he and I had hit it off. I was in denial. How was that possible?
When I got home he had Facebooked me, yes the old FB. He
asked about his brother and I and I explained to him the sequence of events.
After talking he asked me out. I naturally said NO. I had never been in that
position before. Most of my friends know that I have been in many random
situations and that normally I like the idea of dating but never move forward.
Some know that I have not showed up for dates or have canceled last minute.
Sure, most guys never got even a chance and maybe they could have been great
but I love romance when it comes to everyone else.
Maybe I love the flirting and the first date but after that
I would get un-charmed. Initially I said no but this guy just showed interest,
the kind that well, it’s hard to find. I
could not get past the idea of his brother, but he made it clear that he had
asked him if it was ok. I also, asked
M#3 if it was ok. Even after that, I had to consult with the only person I
thought knew me best, my ex-boyfriend.
He said “Karla you do this all the time, if you think he is interesting
go”. Finally, I gave in.
He showed up and I asked him wait outside.
We went on that date and it was as if we both needed a pause
button. Neither of us could seem to stop talking. We talked and talked. He
spent the night but we just hugged. That weekend he and I went on a hike. When
we got to the bottom he looked at me and said “look at you full of snow
everywhere” and he kneeled down to wipe my feet. To anyone this would not mean
much but to me it meant the world. It was so simple, here was a guy that already
was selfless and made me feel something I could not describe.
As time went by we did not want to become official, maybe it
was his lack of experience and my weird me thinking good things don’t come to
me. For the first 3 months I was in denial and for the next 3 I was afraid. I
was afraid that what I once had felt for someone should always feel that way.
My struggle continued but soon after it all made sense. I did not want to date
my ex again, I just wanted his approval, and I guess I always did. I wanted him
to see me for who I was and maybe he did but neglected to love me. Here I was
with someone who clearly would remind me that no matter how big of a mess I am
he would still clean my shoes.
After a long text and email to my ex about how I really truly
felt and how he treated me I received from him what I expected all the time,
“nothing”, he did not even respond. Then one morning I woke up next to my love
and it was something about the way he looked at me that I soon felt peace.
Our love evolved from the strangest situation and it
continues to grow, not one day is the same. He sees me for who I am and I love
everything about him. Sure we fight and laugh and what not.
Sometimes you can walk into a restaurant to go on a blind
date and you know you love someone and then there are times you fall in love by
mistake. An, inconceivable mistake.
