Secrets of a Poet: Tears of Christmas

Secrets of a Poet: Tears of Christmas: It is the day after Christmas and I have cried three times today. I can’t explain the feeling. I don’t even know if it’s sadness. I ha...

Tears of Christmas

It is the day after Christmas and I have cried three times today. I can’t explain the feeling. I don’t even know if it’s sadness. I had two amazing days with people that treat me like I am a part of something. The something that I am feeling is hard to except because I have never felt that good in my life. As a kid many things seemed great. My cousins were the best, my brothers, my aunts and uncles but deep down there was something missing. I was missing a sense of belonging and not know who you are. At the age of twenty eight I should know who I am but the reality is I’m still finding Karla. When I was eighteen I dated a boy named Joel whose family was loving and caring but I let it go because I did not think I deserved it. When I dated Eric he made me part of his entire life every single bit of it and once again I let that go because, how could a girl like me deserve that? When I met Michael P he turned my world into a world made for a princess. The one thing Disney forgets to tell us is that if you have never experienced the world of royalty you become lost; and it’s unfair for the person that has to try and polish you.  Then I met who I believed was my perfect named Michael B and then you realize he never loved you.  At that exact moment I finally met my prince, my dad. For the first time in my life it all makes sense. Mike B came into my life as a “learner” to teach me that it is possible to love. My father came into my life to teach me about me and give me an identity. The reason I do not talk to my mother is because I was in search for myself. The tears I cry tonight happen because I am happy that I can see the road to something bigger and better. The Stohler family came into my life in the most important time and in the most needed time for me. The day I met Abby Stohler, I mean really met her was the day she offer a helping hand to me without even knowing me. I was in such bad place in my life and she overheard me talking about my breakup with Mike B and she offer to talk or to get coffee. This was foreign to me, this girl that had only known me for a month or two wanted to be there for me. It was faith that I could meet such a person and shortly after I met her family. Sitting in a room full of sounds of laughter, giggles, snuggles, random dancing and singing I felt so welcomed. I felt a part of a family. The one thing Mike B thought me is that you can allow yourself to feel and deserve love. The one thing my father has thought me is that things do not always have to be so black and white. The day after Christmas I cry because I am on my way to getting to know me. We all deserve to be loved, to love but most important to know how to love you.

Milk

I was 6 years old the first time I felt desperation. It was about two am and my mother was not home. Not sure if she was out or actually working most night became a blur. My baby brother Jonny was crying and I had to get up to feed him. We lived in te garage of this house my family rented. At first I took Jonny into my arms and began to sing and that did not work. Then I changed his diaper but that did not work. He kept crying. I set him down to make him a bottle when out of my small six year ok hands the entire container fell. Powder milk everywhere. I did not know what to do but scoop some into te bottle. Sorry Jonny.  I began to cry because I was so desperate. I just wanted to make him feel better. I was scared what would she say? All I could think of was her being mad. There in the middle of the night a 6 month old baby and a six year old girl cried side by side until we fell asleep. The world was to huge and I felt the size of an ant. 

Winter

Winter is back

Bitter and cold, it slaps you

Thinking of last year

You sit there so sad

Snow on the ground reminds you that it’s hard

The wind blows on your face

Your nose, oh so cold

You have forgotten the soft warm touch of his kiss

In the dark all you hear is silence

You are afraid

Then one day

 

You realize the harsh bitter truth, you never needed him

He is long gone and all is fine

He is just the old cold shadow following you

He no longer has the power, you can look into his face

You can change the shape of the shadow, it’s yours

It never belonged to him, he never had the power

The soft warm touch was your mind, it was your hand and your heart

The heart that you gave to him but now you can take it back

It was never his too keep

It’s just a matter of time

When you sit there looking out the window

Sitting next to your dog, not a sound around

Christmas lights glimmering, don’t forget you are not alone

It was always you and winter battling

So turn around and walk away from the shadow

And take what’s yours

so long winter

Ho Ho Ho

Oh Christmas!

Christmas is not hard because I need or want things; it’s hard because I have such a mix feeling about it. Growing up with 22 cousins was amazing. I loved Christmas as a kid because I always awaited the arrival of all my cousins at my grandmother home. There were several groups of cousins. See in every family there is a “Tele novela “or what Americans call a soap opera. The dynamic of my family was simple because every family was defined and I guess that’s the same for everyone around the world.  My mother had 6 siblings and she was the 3^rd oldest. There were 5 girls and two boys. For purposes of protection I will only use their first letter of their name.

L was the oldest and had 3 boys. Two of her boys were a few years older than me. This was the all American family. They played sports, had the best of everything and were born in the US. They even had soda, and if you were a kid in the90’s that was huge.

A was the second oldest and had 4 boys.  They were also pretty cool and had top of the line everything. Except these cousins were a bit different because they were mix of Mexican and Pilipino, not a bad thing but it was different.

G was the fourth oldest and her kids were brats. I hate to say it because we are all brats as kids but this was above and beyond. There were two girls and two boys. These kids were the ones that had to have what they wanted, when they wanted and they got it. Other than fast food they did not eat regular food.

B was the fifth one in the family and she had two girls and two boys. They were the perfect family. Her husband worked and she was a stay home mom. The girls were not allowed to play with boys and were never to settle for less. Name brands were a big deal and the girls were made to be wives someday. The boys were brats but for the most part I was closest to them. I always admired their mother she always seemed so calm and collected like nothing could face her.  My grandmother would go upside down for these kids.

Then there was M, what can I say about him. He was the second youngest and a total jerk. If there was ever someone I really disliked so much in my life he would be at the top of the list. He had kids later in his life. He lived with my grandmother until he got married and even after. He had two girls and a boy plus two step girls. His oldest I love dearly, probably because I took care of her.

Last was the youngest N who is closest in age with me.  She was who I wanted to be like until she got pregnant at 18. Not that having kids at that age is bad I just imagined her being the one to travel and go to school. Instead she settled and had 3 more kids. She had one girl and three boys. They were my grandmother’s favorite.

Then there was us I was the 3^rd oldest of the cousins and I have 3 brothers on my mom side and 3 siblings on my dad’s but they were not around.  We were the outcasts. Our mother was what people call the wild child. My brother was a little trouble maker and the two youngest were dealt with the pressure to fallow him. I was the one who tried to keep us together. Every uncle or aunt had something to say about us. “There mom is crazy” “something is always going on” “oh Charlie”  “when will she get it together” “they will all just end up like her” and this went on for years and years. Most of my life I ignored comments. But every Christmas the comments would slap more and more on the face. As I began to grow and understand what they meant I began to resent them.

Every Christmas I could not wait to see my cousins but I dreaded the fact that my mother would most likely disappear, and I would hear the comments. On top of that everyone’s gifts would remind us that we would not get anything from her. Lastly, I would learn that I am the most stubborn and proud girl ever. I was in 3^rd grade when I learned that I would never except a gift from anyone because they felt sorry for me or obligated. It started Christmas day that year when our mother was MIA and my grandmother gave my uncle money to buy us a gift at Walgreens the only store open on Christmas day. He came back with this little black bubble boom box. It was the size of an orange. It was like sitting in a room with tape over your mouth listening to all the bad things you could hear about your mother. So I did what any 3^rd grader would do I gave it back. Of course I was reprimanded and I had to take it; but man oh man I was mad.

After a while I did not care anymore about who or what they gave me. Instead I focused in trying to make my brothers happy. As soon as they moved in with me I began to make sure they would have almost everything they wanted. I would wrap everything for them even socks. That’s when Christmas became fun and good for me. I have never been one to ask for anything except for happiness and if you know me you know I love to make people happy. The way people smile and glow when they receive something even a flower or a smile makes me happy. Living in CT is bitter sweet. I miss my brothers, cousins and friends. I do not miss the drama. There are times I feel lonely but then again there are people that always surprise me and make me happy. In the end I learned that you make your own happiness and sometimes your family is those who put a smile on your face not always the ones you are born with.  

PS. I did not turn out like my mother or father. I am myself, I am Karla.

Planning my Escape

Have you ever seen a woman walk into a room and charm everyone? If you have not seen such a thing, you need to meet my mother. See, we never had much and we moved around a lot. We rented rooms, apartments, lived with my grandmother, lived in a car and even in shelters. We were far from even middle class. But if anyone knows my mother you would know that she has this wift of elegance. There is something about her I cannot explain. It was as if she owned the world. She is the kind of woman that no matter the day or what the weather is like she is always dressed up. She never walked out without makeup and heels. Men would surround her like she was the only one in this world. She knew how to get what she wanted. The only thing about her is that her insecurity and immaturity made her dull. It was like a beautiful painting was being washed away. She was the color red but certain things made her dark, noire, she had a side you did not want to know.

When my mother was happy she was happy. She always played music, danced around the house and enjoyed drinking. Then there were times when she would call our names screaming, shouting for us. You never knew what it was about. Most days she wanted to us to find her other shoe because she had lost one a few nights ago. So, there we were on the search for her shoe. If it took long she would begin by cursing at us, only to smacking us on the head. If you cried she would hit you and you did not want that.

I will never forget, one hot summer day. I cannot recall why she was furious I just remember she began to hit me and then my brother. I was six and he was five. She was on top of him. With a wooden spoon she began to hit his face, time after, time after time, after time. All I could do was screaming for her to STOP but she would not.

Then there was another time when we were trying to find something and we couldn’t so she began to hit us. She took my face against the mirror and told me she hated me. She proceeded to get my brother and I completely naked and had us kneel down outside in the rain. She had us holding buckets of water and if we dropped them she would hit us.

Then in a moment she would apologize and somehow I would forgive her. Somehow I felt like it was my fault. Her charm would enchant me and she would always make it better.

At times I felt she had two personalities. The lovely woman could have people eating out of her palm, and then there was other woman that was nasty.

I had been planning my escape ever since I could remember. In fourth grade I had a job just helping a lady clean a Laundromat. I began to save all my money. I would get $25 a day. Next thing you know I had hundreds of dollars because I did it for a whole year.  At the time my mother had no idea what I was doing because she was too busy going out, having her girlfriends living with us and sleeping until noon. I had even begun to learn how to drive. One day we had had a very bad fight and she kicked me out. She said I should leave if I did not like living whit her, and to take my brothers. It was what I had been waiting for. It was my moment. If you know me you know I’m stubborn like donkey. Ran to my room or closet where I lived and packed everything. I grabbed my brothers and walked out the door. It was the very first time I had defied my mother and it was the first time she realized I was not six years old, hahaha I was nine but in my head I was 30. As we waited for the elevator she walked out after us. She asked “Where do you think you are going?” In reality I think she just wanted us there because, if not she’d be in trouble. She apologized and so we went back to hell.

What I gained that day was strength and for the first time courage. The teemed girl was still there. I was still shy and awkward but I had a sense of control and no one could take that from me.

E and Four years

Senor year in High school was amazing!!! I know that most people hate high school but I actually had a blast especially senor year. I had turned 18 during senor year. I was in every club possible and was swimming on top of that I had the best friends I could have ever made. Every Thursday through Sunday we would go out to parties and I was dating a boy. That relationship only lasted 6 months but it was blast.  This was the same year that I had gotten a small scholarship and had gotten in to all the schools I had applied to. I was on top of the world but with that came many obstacles. It was the first time in my life that being an immigrant actually faced me face to face. I had gone through the entire school system and now I could not afford college because I was not a citizen. To make it more interesting my mother had gone through her second divorce and I found her in the worst depression I had ever seen her. I imagine she was doing drugs because she was always locked in her room and awake all night. She would leave with random people and not come home for days. I was the head of the family and I took care of my brothers. Then one day she took my brothers and left them at my grandmother house.

While all of this was happening one day E showed up at my door. He was a boy I had often thought about because he was quite peculiar. Except I had never had spent much time getting to know.  I invited him to in with all my other friends and I made us all dinner. He looked at me and said “if you feed me I will never leave” and he never did. He became one of my best friends and eventually we dated. It was the toughest relationship because we were incredibly compatible except I was faced with growing and taking on responsibilities that most 18 year old girls do not face.  The next four years E stayed by my side and most people thought we’d get married. Unfortunately, I was not ready for that.  There are many components to why not and why we broke up, mostly my fault. See I have always been good at destroying relationships. It has always been easier to walk away. The most important reason is that no one should have to go through my pains because I have to.  E and I broke up in 2006-2007.  He deserved better. He needed someone normal, someone to give him what I could not. It was hard because even after the brake up, we kept in touch and at times we even slept together. It was hard to let go of four years.

List of things in the four years

1. I had a 3.5gpa

2. I was homecoming queen

3. I got a scholarship

4. I got into every school I applied to

5. I began to date E

6. My mother disappeared

7. I took care of my brothers

8. I was homeless

9. I was still dancing Tahitian dancing b/ the Sencil family let us do it no cost

10. I moved in to my best friend parents’ house

11. I worked illegally

12. I had 3 jobs

13. I took legal guardianship for my siblings

14. I moved in with E to our own apartment along with my brother.

15. We got a dog (Tug)

16. We broke up

Being an older sister taking a role of a mother was not easy. I had long working hours and no sleep, always tracking down my brothers. At times they went in and out of juvenile detention. Making sure they went to school and mediating when they fought.

This story is not for anyone to feel sorry for me. This story is to tell E that without him I would not have ever been able to survive that stage in my life. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving my family no matter the disasters. Thank you for all the rides to Target, all our furniture building because it was all form Ikea. Thank you for making me laugh and for creating “heavy Hands”. Thank you for sleeping with me in the car. Thank you for all that you did. I’m sorry I could not give you more.

I always knew you’d be happy and I know you found that.

My Very First

The first time I kissed a boy I was 14 and he was just a boy, and I just a girl. He was a bit different this boy. He had braces and combed his hair back. It was in math class when I first noticed him and he noticed me. See I have always been a bit strange and for some reason what I do has always been different. I can’t really explain how this boy and I initiated our dating but I can tell you that our friendship began in math class. See our teachers dad had died and I wrote her a feel better card. It’s not like I needed brownie points I had an A in the class. I have always just felt other people’s pains. Almost, as if it had happened to me. This boy, being a boy began to call me TP teacher’s pet but instead of making me mad I laughed. See I was never embarrassed to be me and it was cute that he was flirting. Days went by and TP continued and next thing you know we are standing in the Science building holding hands and with no say he just kissed me. I was shocked and it was as if that moment had frozen. From there on we were attached to the hip. We wrote love note, poems and had long making out sessions. He bought me little roses and a bear for Valentine’s Day.  We kissed in the rain and he walked miles to see me. We talked on the phone and he took his socks for me when mine were wet. He walked me home and picked flower for me. It was the sweetest love I had ever had in my life. But like all things with love comes heart ship. I had told him what had happened to me and he became jealous, insecure, but most of all very protective.  And just like my whole world had been chattered. It had been destroyed by someone who led to destroying me and my relationship. I’m not ready to describe what happened to me on my 15^th birthday but it was not good. This boy could not help me and he walked away. Junior year of high school was not the same. The one I loved had left me because it was too hard to handle. Do, I cried and cried and cried. A year and a half later we met but I could never go backwards. I could not let him back in. The first time in my life I realized that could hate. I did not hate him. I hated the fact that I was ruined and he walked away when I needed him the most. It took some time to understand why he did and why I always loved him and why we still keep in contact. I could never forget my first kiss, the first time I realized I loved, and the first time I had needed and wanted someone in my life.

PS. To this boy: if you ever read this just know that I know it was hard and I will always H.I love you.   

Without You

Sometimes there are people that mark your life forever. There are moments you can’t forget and pains that will remain. In the long run there are good things and bad things and things that just happen. You love the way you may never love. You kiss the way you may never receive one again.  You talk for hours as if tomorrow will end. You hug someone and savor that hug because you think you’ll never get one again. You fight for that person or with that person because not everything is happiness. But in the end you take it all in. You’ll love again, you will definitely kiss again, the talks will come, new hugs will come, and the fight will always exist.  It’s up to you to open your heart, close your eyes and feel the warm embrace, have your ears ready, open your arms and never stop fighting because without you there is no love.

Girl on an airplane.

I was sitting at the Philadelphia airport waiting to board. I noticed a couple that seemed so in love. They were a bit out there. I say next to them while I are dinner. I over heard them taking about their trip. Long story short they were coming to Connecticut after a long week in California. I asked what I shouldn't have. Why were you there? As I sat there listening, my eyes wandering around scopeing the people they told me. I could not believe it. There son had died in California. He had fallen out of a party bus. 

My eyes just opened and my jaw dropped. I apologized and told they how sorry I was. Sorry people, but that is not something you share with some random stranger and seem like it's not a big deal. 

I look around, thinking who could I tell. Why was I in such dismay? Was it because they seemed like they were so refreshed. Like it wasn't a big deal that their son had died and they just told a stranger while still laughing. 

Before we boarded I noticed this really tall girl. She looked so innocent and sweet. The kind of girl that has her shit together. So prim and proper you could almost hate but can't help but want to talk to. 

We began to board and I was praying that those people would not sit near me. Somehow I was still in shock but also sad. 

I sat down and pretty girl in grey dress sat next to me. I started talking to her and found she was super nice. Above all I had someone normal sitting next to me and I could release this random news that I could not seem to get past. We talked the whole way to Connecticut as if we were long life friends. 

We arrived at BDL in Hartford and we exchanged cards. A few days later I got an email from her and we scheduled a lunch. 

Never in a million years did I think we'd be friends. I mean but why not? We had lunch and drinks. We walked around and shopped. Next week after that we went out for Halloween. She was so cute I had to help her look slutty because she was far to innocent.  I saw myself in her about 5 years ago.  

After that night I knew I had made a great friend. Not only did I get so drunk she took care of me. She made sure I made it home. 

Weeks after that we are still friends going out and having fun. Just last night we learned that her birthday in Sept 26 and mine is Sept 28. We are Libras and we have had are hearts broken. 

"What happens on a plane doesn't have to stay there"

See sometimes you take risks and it's scary but good. 

You never know what will happen ....

Silence

At times, I want to say something clever

What is cleverer than silence?

At times, I want to punch someone or something

Instead I punch the world with silence

At times, I want to scream as loud as I possibly can

Oh, I do, with silence and a smile

At times, I want to run as fast I could

But if I did only silence would ring and nothing to hear

At times, I want to hate you and at times I do

Then I refrain because silence would not hurt you, only me

At times, I want to rip this heart out, to remove the pain

If I do I’ll never know real love, you would win

I smile in silence because it’s hard not too and in the end, I win

I stand in silence because I have concord my weakness

I dance and sing in silence, it is so much fun

You will never know what the silence means

I stay quiet, soundless

Time will come …

Dark

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black hair

She wants to it to stop

Begins to cry

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black hair

She lets it go

Who would helper?

Who would care?

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black hair

Does she let him?

Can she scream?

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black hair

Gasping for air, clenching her fist

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black hair

Screaming inside, tears run down her face

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black hair

How to make it stop?

What difference does it make?

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black hair

Disappearing is no option

The friction and pain

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black hair

The touch makes her sick

Someone please help her

Don’t let her faint

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black hair

She hates it!

Is it over?

She sits there, looking around

Her dark black dark hair

No one to tell

No one will know

Nowhere to run

She sits there, only her dark black hair

Done

K: I love you

F: I hate you, look like your father

K: what did I do this time?

F: you could not find it?

K: find what?

F: my show

K: I’m sorry

F: sorry, how about you get your ugly ass and find it. Oh, and feed your brother

K: but I already looked. I looked in the closet, looked under the bed, looked everywhere

F: I don’t care find it!!! I said find it!

K: I don’t know where to look

Silence

K: please, please, please, don’t!!! I promise I will find it. I promise…

F: don’t promise me anything, you are just like your father you good for nothing.

K: why? Why? Why would she do this? If you exist, if you truly exist why would you let her do this? Talk to me!!! What did I do to deserve this? Look at my face, look at my hair. Do you not feel my pain? Please help me, I beg. Please …

F: get out of there you good for nothing; your brothers need to be fed. Clean the dishes and don’t forget to do the laundry. You’re not my daughter and if you don’t like here you can leave.

K: hey guys! Where is she?

Boys: we don’t know!

K: What do you mean?

Boys: who cares? She said she doesn’t love us. She said she didn’t care. Why do you bother we are better out without her.

K: she is till part of us.

K: You never listen. You never help! What have I done to deserve this? Why do you treat me this way? I’m done!!!! You hear me?!! I’m done…..

Into the Dark

The thought of death

Every day I wake up

I walk into the bathroom as my dog follows me

She sits there looking at me yearning for some love

I talk to her in my half asleep state

I get in the shower and all I think is “just another day”, “a good day”

Today is different, I think of death

 As I drive to work, I imagine my car exploding with me in it

Am I sick? Or am I just simply jaded

I do not understand

To my friends I am positive, I love life, to learn and most of to be happy

“I have a fire in me” I say to myself

Could it be loneliness, sadness, or just another pre-menstrual feeling?

Selfish, I say, to think of death

My dysfunctional life made me immune to this feeling, which I have always felt

The feeling of crazy, nonsense, disaster, and discomfort

I begin to think it’s normal

Bouncing up and down, tragedy and resilience 

I smile of the thought of death because somehow I am able to let it all out

To write it, think it, and talk about it

I feel it and will not allow it to take the best of me

To think of death

Releasing it was not easy

“Let the bitch go “!!!

She is dead!

Sky blue

I was not a girl to cry

I don’t know why

Maybe it was easy to neglect

It was easy to forget

You came along to take it all away

With one kiss on a snowy March night

Foggy and wet we walked hand in hand

How could I forget?

As if that was not enough, you took my heart

You came blasting like the wind blowing down my walls

All my bricks were undone like a pyramid

You kissed me and all was right

I had never cried until you got into my heart

You led the way and I came undone

I cried with a smile the day you made me feel alive

I cried with happiness for you made me see the mountains a different way

I tried and tried, to not cry; now my tears make a river

Floating down the stream by myself

You left me

I cried

You picked me up to throw me right over the cliff

With that smile and your charm

I was enchanted and I cried

You kissed my lips and the sweet taste of love bloomed in my heart

I cried

My world became a never ending tunnel of surprises

Only to find you did not love me

Yes, you know what happened next, I cried

But not today! Not again!

This girl learned to cry and yes it was not always pleasant

It was not always happy

I will never be what I want it to be, it will be what it is in this moment

If we are meant to be, we will be

Once I cry it will be the past and the past will be history

I was never one to cry….

Green is to grow

      Have I become weak, frail, feeble and sad? Is it possible that after years and years of hardship I have now caved into those feelings I so detested? As a child growing up with a mother who found herself in distress every minute of every day I despised her inability to be strong. I hated her, for allowing any feeling to sink into the deep ocean. Every relationship she went through ruined her she would give it all up just to fail. She traded her love ones for men and friends.

                I never really understood why I felt so distanced from her.  I always felt detached and now I know why. Yes I did not have my father by my side and that’s a different story. A few years ago he contacted me. When the news first came to me that he wanted to talk to me I felt angry. I wanted to just yell and shout at him, I cursed him. I could not understand why it took so long. I could not understand why my mother had never told me why they were not together. She never spoke badly about him and neither did my grandmother. The big question, why???

                My next reaction was to talk to him but I wanted nothing to do with why he was not around. I said to him once –Let’s just start over and take it from here. The idea sounded amazing, I was the better person to try and be ok with a new beginning. My brain could not stop itself; I continued to think like I always do. – Was there something I was missing?

                My boyfriend at the time was great and supportive, he would say- just move forward and except it, it’s in the past. In some ways he was right but my stubborn self would not allow it. I kept digging and writing. I wrote a story about my mother, it was late July and my father read it. He emailed me and requested to speak to me. I was scared at the thought but I agreed. It was time. At the same time my brother called to tell me that he was only my half-brother that he knew that my dad was not his. I was almost mute but my sisters slash mother instinct kicked in and I replied- no matter what happens, no matter who are parents are, no matter how far or who comes between us, I am your sister and I love you with all my heart.

                The day came; I sat in my room nervous waiting for his call. I counted every second and all I could think of was what Brandt had said- What do you want to accomplish Karla?  All I could say is I want to close this and turn the page. He insisted, and said that I could do it without them. The phone rang and we began our conversation. He told me he was sorry. He told me the entire story that is too long and shameful to write. One thing I did know is that it all made sense. The stories that he told me were not far from what I had lived with her. She was young, selfish and sick. That is the only explanation.

                The most captivating thing was that she had never been there for me, since the day she gave birth to me she had left me alone. I had realized why I had no connection to her. I can’t blame her for all but I can blame her for not being there for me.  I was so depressed I could not get out of bed or eat or think. Brandt had to get me out of bed and drag me to eat. I will never forget eating sushi together, he rubbing my back and my tears dripping on to my chopsticks. Then he took me to my favorite frozen yogurt place where I had spent many sad days but even that could not make me better.

                Soon after I heard the story, I became more anxious, depressed and restless even insecure about everything in my life. I would constantly ask Brandt to not lie, to please tell me the truth. I don’t know what truth I was looking for but he gave it to me when he broke up with a few weeks later. I had never been so desperate, so sad, so lost and I had never begged anyone in my life. He walked out with my soul and I had given it to him. For the first time now I understand why I felt something. Two things happened one, I learned what it feels to feel and second, I learned how much you need those that you love especially when you need someone in the worse times. I guess I had never needed anyone emotionally; I had always put emotions aside to do what I had to do to survive.

                I could finally understand why she was so in love with love. My mother was enchanted by love because her life was a waterfall of disasters and at that point in my life I needed that love. I truly did love him so much; I gave him a second chance only for him to tear my heart again. It took me this long to realize what I learned.

                I learned that you could truly fall in love. I learned that when you love and never been loved before you fall in love with love. I learned that I have been loved before I just did not allow myself to love them back. I learned that Brandt was my first love but not my lifelong love.  I learned that I know how it feels to love and that it can happen again. I learned that feeling is better than not but only with the balance of loving yourself first. I can do anything as long as I love myself, accomplish my goals and allow the right person to love me back.

Black

When the wind blows

Take me away into the distance

Make me feel the burst of love, the softness of a touch

When the ocean roars

Swing me away like a child

Drown me in your arms; just take me away from all of this pain

When it rains

Let me feel the droplets

Let me taste the world but don’t ever let me go

When the sun comes up

Don’t let me be sightless; please don’t let it burn me

When trees plant there roots

Don’t allow me to plant mine, I don’t want to settle

I just want to grow

As you grow old

Don’t stop listening, don’t go blind on me, don’t ever let me go, don’t forget me I beg

When they bury me

Make sure there is daisy’s every day

Pull out all the weeds and tell me s story

Smile at me, smile at me, smile at me

I will lay there and listen

I will hug you and smile

I will sing for you in the distance

You will feel my warmth with the sun rays

I will never forget you

I will never forget you, I will always remember

Red

How does one get over a broken heart? We can all relate to the symptoms of a broken heart. Broken Heart: a place deep inside that hurts extremely bad you can die, it cries so much it begins to dry, it’s so numb you forget to breath, so cold it makes you blue. I had no idea that that could actually happen.  

​See there are many things and people that have broken my heart but I have never been as despaired as I was the first time I really had my heart broken. For the first time ever, I begged and pleaded for him to stay. I screamed his name so loudly it felt like I was all alone in the world. The pain came rushing not just in my heart but my stomach my head. I could not eat, I could not sleep. It was as if I had run away from sleep and it would chase me. Soon, I became numb allowing my body to take over I could run for days. As the pain got worse the more I could run the more I wanted to feel the pain because that was the only thing I could feel. Not anyone or anything could make me smile. I found out what it meant to be blue. After a week I had lost 12 pounds and I had lost myself.

​After two weeks, he returned and wanted me back and like a starving child I went back. No second thoughts, no hesitation I loved him. Six months later he did it again. It was like a sick joke. This time it was different. He had already taken part of my soul that when he broke up with me I was confused. So, muddled in my head, I stayed with him that night. I cried for hours lying next to him full of disbelief with hope that I was dreaming. He rubbed my back and gave me water. It was as if I was sick and all I needed was cough syrup and after three days I would get better. We had breakfast, we had a nap, we had lunch, we made love and still I felt the pain. The next few days were a blur full of stupid things. In the middle of the night I drove to his house. I called him a million and one times. I did everything I could to see him. He became my pain and cure. Some may say I’m a masochist. Some will call me crazy now for allowing myself to be friends with him.

​I don’t know if I could ever be over him or how much I loved him but I do know that would never get back with him. I do know that I hope we could always be friends because there is something about him and us that is impossible to break.

See I don’t think I could ever feel the same way for him because that kind of love has come and he took away. I love him in such a different way. He is my protector, the one I could tell anything to, the one that will never judge me. He is there if I need him but keeps his distance. Can I lie and say that it does not hurt, no; it does from time to time it hurts. But I have learned and accepted that he was not the one for me and he does not deserve me.

“I always say that two people should fit like two pieces of a puzzle”, but if there is even a slight gap we have to keep trying to find the perfect fit. The cure to a broken heart is not cough syrup, it’s not staying friend with that person, and it’s not accepting the situation; it is whatever works for you. The cure for a broken heart is whatever you do to feel better. If distance works for you, stay away. If hating helps, then hate them. If running or sleeping or screaming or jumping just do what you want. Just remember that if it stops working, make a change.