Planning my Escape

Have you ever seen a woman walk into a room and charm everyone? If you have not seen such a thing, you need to meet my mother. See, we never had much and we moved around a lot. We rented rooms, apartments, lived with my grandmother, lived in a car and even in shelters. We were far from even middle class. But if anyone knows my mother you would know that she has this wift of elegance. There is something about her I cannot explain. It was as if she owned the world. She is the kind of woman that no matter the day or what the weather is like she is always dressed up. She never walked out without makeup and heels. Men would surround her like she was the only one in this world. She knew how to get what she wanted. The only thing about her is that her insecurity and immaturity made her dull. It was like a beautiful painting was being washed away. She was the color red but certain things made her dark, noire, she had a side you did not want to know.

When my mother was happy she was happy. She always played music, danced around the house and enjoyed drinking. Then there were times when she would call our names screaming, shouting for us. You never knew what it was about. Most days she wanted to us to find her other shoe because she had lost one a few nights ago. So, there we were on the search for her shoe. If it took long she would begin by cursing at us, only to smacking us on the head. If you cried she would hit you and you did not want that.

I will never forget, one hot summer day. I cannot recall why she was furious I just remember she began to hit me and then my brother. I was six and he was five. She was on top of him. With a wooden spoon she began to hit his face, time after, time after time, after time. All I could do was screaming for her to STOP but she would not.

Then there was another time when we were trying to find something and we couldn’t so she began to hit us. She took my face against the mirror and told me she hated me. She proceeded to get my brother and I completely naked and had us kneel down outside in the rain. She had us holding buckets of water and if we dropped them she would hit us.

Then in a moment she would apologize and somehow I would forgive her. Somehow I felt like it was my fault. Her charm would enchant me and she would always make it better.

At times I felt she had two personalities. The lovely woman could have people eating out of her palm, and then there was other woman that was nasty.

I had been planning my escape ever since I could remember. In fourth grade I had a job just helping a lady clean a Laundromat. I began to save all my money. I would get $25 a day. Next thing you know I had hundreds of dollars because I did it for a whole year.  At the time my mother had no idea what I was doing because she was too busy going out, having her girlfriends living with us and sleeping until noon. I had even begun to learn how to drive. One day we had had a very bad fight and she kicked me out. She said I should leave if I did not like living whit her, and to take my brothers. It was what I had been waiting for. It was my moment. If you know me you know I’m stubborn like donkey. Ran to my room or closet where I lived and packed everything. I grabbed my brothers and walked out the door. It was the very first time I had defied my mother and it was the first time she realized I was not six years old, hahaha I was nine but in my head I was 30. As we waited for the elevator she walked out after us. She asked “Where do you think you are going?” In reality I think she just wanted us there because, if not she’d be in trouble. She apologized and so we went back to hell.

What I gained that day was strength and for the first time courage. The teemed girl was still there. I was still shy and awkward but I had a sense of control and no one could take that from me.