Friday, June 28, 2013

Black

When the wind blows
Take me away into the distance
Make me feel the burst of love, the softness of a touch
When the ocean roars
Swing me away like a child
Drown me in your arms; just take me away from all of this pain
When it rains
Let me feel the droplets
Let me taste the world but don’t ever let me go
When the sun comes up
Don’t let me be sightless; please don’t let it burn me
When trees plant there roots
Don’t allow me to plant mine, I don’t want to settle
I just want to grow
As you grow old
Don’t stop listening, don’t go blind on me, don’t ever let me go, don’t forget me I beg
When they bury me
Make sure there is daisy’s every day
Pull out all the weeds and tell me s story
Smile at me, smile at me, smile at me
I will lay there and listen
I will hug you and smile
I will sing for you in the distance
You will feel my warmth with the sun rays
I will never forget you
I will never forget you, I will always remember

Red

How does one get over a broken heart? We can all relate to the symptoms of a broken heart. Broken Heart: a place deep inside that hurts extremely bad you can die, it cries so much it begins to dry, it’s so numb you forget to breath, so cold it makes you blue. I had no idea that that could actually happen.  
See there are many things and people that have broken my heart but I have never been as despaired as I was the first time I really had my heart broken. For the first time ever, I begged and pleaded for him to stay. I screamed his name so loudly it felt like I was all alone in the world. The pain came rushing not just in my heart but my stomach my head. I could not eat, I could not sleep. It was as if I had run away from sleep and it would chase me. Soon, I became numb allowing my body to take over I could run for days. As the pain got worse the more I could run the more I wanted to feel the pain because that was the only thing I could feel. Not anyone or anything could make me smile. I found out what it meant to be blue. After a week I had lost 12 pounds and I had lost myself.
After two weeks, he returned and wanted me back and like a starving child I went back. No second thoughts, no hesitation I loved him. Six months later he did it again. It was like a sick joke. This time it was different. He had already taken part of my soul that when he broke up with me I was confused. So, muddled in my head, I stayed with him that night. I cried for hours lying next to him full of disbelief with hope that I was dreaming. He rubbed my back and gave me water. It was as if I was sick and all I needed was cough syrup and after three days I would get better. We had breakfast, we had a nap, we had lunch, we made love and still I felt the pain. The next few days were a blur full of stupid things. In the middle of the night I drove to his house. I called him a million and one times. I did everything I could to see him. He became my pain and cure. Some may say I’m a masochist. Some will call me crazy now for allowing myself to be friends with him.
I don’t know if I could ever be over him or how much I loved him but I do know that would never get back with him. I do know that I hope we could always be friends because there is something about him and us that is impossible to break.
See I don’t think I could ever feel the same way for him because that kind of love has come and he took away. I love him in such a different way. He is my protector, the one I could tell anything to, the one that will never judge me. He is there if I need him but keeps his distance. Can I lie and say that it does not hurt, no; it does from time to time it hurts. But I have learned and accepted that he was not the one for me and he does not deserve me.
“I always say that two people should fit like two pieces of a puzzle”, but if there is even a slight gap we have to keep trying to find the perfect fit. The cure to a broken heart is not cough syrup, it’s not staying friend with that person, and it’s not accepting the situation; it is whatever works for you. The cure for a broken heart is whatever you do to feel better. If distance works for you, stay away. If hating helps, then hate them. If running or sleeping or screaming or jumping just do what you want. Just remember that if it stops working, make a change.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Purple

I was about eleven years old if I can recall correctly when my mother had lost our apartment. My mother was the kind of person that always was willing to help. At that time we lived in a two bedroom apartment. She was a waitress at a club and would work nights. That summer she met many women whom needed help. Some had just come from México others had problems with husbands, boyfriends, families and more. She would let these women stay with us but it was never just them. Somehow they had kids, and relatives that also needed help, and yes they would end up staying with us. I hated every moment. I thought it was a horrible idea, because it always turns into a soap opera. No good can come out of too many people in one house. Sure enough, people would drink have fun but soon the fights would start. Ruckus would blast through the walls and people would complain. I would simply just hide anywhere I could, the closet, the bathroom or school. Then one day we got a notice that we were to be out in thirty days. Where would we go? I asked.  She would yell and get mad so I did not push. Thirty days passed and all we had was our bags filled with as much as we could. We tried going to my grandmothers but like they say “A dead dog begins to smell after three days”. My mother got into a fight with her brother causing us to have nowhere to go. We slept in the car, or the park, with a friend, with an aunt and it continued for weeks.

The thing about all of this is, and I will never forget, is not that we were homeless. It was the day I showed up to my grandmother to shower. I was wearing light purple overalls, I had on gold small hoop earrings, and my hair was in a ponytail. I was exhausted from sleeping on a bench at the park. I walked in and the first thing I heard was “wow Karla you look so Mexican like you just came from México” “like a wetback”.  It took everything for me not to cry. All I could think of was how could my mother’s sister say that? Had she forgotten where she came from? What else was I supposed to look like? After all, I am Mexican and so is she. Sure, we look different. I have black hair and brown eyes and she is light skin, freckles and auburn hair but we came to the US the same exact way.

I was five when I came to the US. I was eleven when I was told I looked Mexican. I was also eleven when I realized that this world could be sad and people could be so insecure.  I was also eleven when I learned to have pride. I am twenty seven and I’m still Mexican, have black hair, brown eyes, have pride, love wearing purple and I am extremely happy.  

Blue

As I remember it reason

The day we walked away I don’t recall crying. I don’t know what my brother was doing at the moment or exactly when we walked out but I do remember colors, me and my father. Maybe it’s a vision that I made up or maybe it really is a memory. All I know is that my room was pink a very pretty pink. I remember it was my father’s birthday. He was sitting there on the windowsill drinking what I now know as a forty or a big beer. It was dark and she took my hand. Between then and the moment I looked around, and realized I was at a bus station with my grandmother; I had been lost in the dark.  I tried and tried to remember, I really did but had no luck. From that moment on, I paid attention to everything around me. The busses lined up outside, my grandmother upset at my brother, my brothers dried tears on his little face; but the one thing that kept me safe was the blue purse I had over my shoulder. The blue purse kept me safe and it made me forget that I was no longer going to see my father. It felt like every time I opened it, it would talk to me.  I know it was loud in the station but I could hear the zipper and the ridges when I would run the zipper back and forth. It made me numb to the pain. That blue purse that crossed the border with me was my only friend, my safety and my protection.  

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Tara

She was dismissive and aragent
Happy and fun 
Lonely and sad 
Hidden by her glass of wine and a smile oh so bright 
Alway lost, like compus searching for direction
She grabs me, we dance 
Drinking and story telling 
In her polyester top 3 bottles of wine later 
The intellectual begins to talk
Distorted my her words we all become partials of dust
Only stop and realize there only words spouting out I a fountain of desperate 
I look at her, I run out because I've realized I could never mirror her.