Sky blue

I was not a girl to cry

I don’t know why

Maybe it was easy to neglect

It was easy to forget

You came along to take it all away

With one kiss on a snowy March night

Foggy and wet we walked hand in hand

How could I forget?

As if that was not enough, you took my heart

You came blasting like the wind blowing down my walls

All my bricks were undone like a pyramid

You kissed me and all was right

I had never cried until you got into my heart

You led the way and I came undone

I cried with a smile the day you made me feel alive

I cried with happiness for you made me see the mountains a different way

I tried and tried, to not cry; now my tears make a river

Floating down the stream by myself

You left me

I cried

You picked me up to throw me right over the cliff

With that smile and your charm

I was enchanted and I cried

You kissed my lips and the sweet taste of love bloomed in my heart

I cried

My world became a never ending tunnel of surprises

Only to find you did not love me

Yes, you know what happened next, I cried

But not today! Not again!

This girl learned to cry and yes it was not always pleasant

It was not always happy

I will never be what I want it to be, it will be what it is in this moment

If we are meant to be, we will be

Once I cry it will be the past and the past will be history

I was never one to cry….

Green is to grow

      Have I become weak, frail, feeble and sad? Is it possible that after years and years of hardship I have now caved into those feelings I so detested? As a child growing up with a mother who found herself in distress every minute of every day I despised her inability to be strong. I hated her, for allowing any feeling to sink into the deep ocean. Every relationship she went through ruined her she would give it all up just to fail. She traded her love ones for men and friends.

                I never really understood why I felt so distanced from her.  I always felt detached and now I know why. Yes I did not have my father by my side and that’s a different story. A few years ago he contacted me. When the news first came to me that he wanted to talk to me I felt angry. I wanted to just yell and shout at him, I cursed him. I could not understand why it took so long. I could not understand why my mother had never told me why they were not together. She never spoke badly about him and neither did my grandmother. The big question, why???

                My next reaction was to talk to him but I wanted nothing to do with why he was not around. I said to him once –Let’s just start over and take it from here. The idea sounded amazing, I was the better person to try and be ok with a new beginning. My brain could not stop itself; I continued to think like I always do. – Was there something I was missing?

                My boyfriend at the time was great and supportive, he would say- just move forward and except it, it’s in the past. In some ways he was right but my stubborn self would not allow it. I kept digging and writing. I wrote a story about my mother, it was late July and my father read it. He emailed me and requested to speak to me. I was scared at the thought but I agreed. It was time. At the same time my brother called to tell me that he was only my half-brother that he knew that my dad was not his. I was almost mute but my sisters slash mother instinct kicked in and I replied- no matter what happens, no matter who are parents are, no matter how far or who comes between us, I am your sister and I love you with all my heart.

                The day came; I sat in my room nervous waiting for his call. I counted every second and all I could think of was what Brandt had said- What do you want to accomplish Karla?  All I could say is I want to close this and turn the page. He insisted, and said that I could do it without them. The phone rang and we began our conversation. He told me he was sorry. He told me the entire story that is too long and shameful to write. One thing I did know is that it all made sense. The stories that he told me were not far from what I had lived with her. She was young, selfish and sick. That is the only explanation.

                The most captivating thing was that she had never been there for me, since the day she gave birth to me she had left me alone. I had realized why I had no connection to her. I can’t blame her for all but I can blame her for not being there for me.  I was so depressed I could not get out of bed or eat or think. Brandt had to get me out of bed and drag me to eat. I will never forget eating sushi together, he rubbing my back and my tears dripping on to my chopsticks. Then he took me to my favorite frozen yogurt place where I had spent many sad days but even that could not make me better.

                Soon after I heard the story, I became more anxious, depressed and restless even insecure about everything in my life. I would constantly ask Brandt to not lie, to please tell me the truth. I don’t know what truth I was looking for but he gave it to me when he broke up with a few weeks later. I had never been so desperate, so sad, so lost and I had never begged anyone in my life. He walked out with my soul and I had given it to him. For the first time now I understand why I felt something. Two things happened one, I learned what it feels to feel and second, I learned how much you need those that you love especially when you need someone in the worse times. I guess I had never needed anyone emotionally; I had always put emotions aside to do what I had to do to survive.

                I could finally understand why she was so in love with love. My mother was enchanted by love because her life was a waterfall of disasters and at that point in my life I needed that love. I truly did love him so much; I gave him a second chance only for him to tear my heart again. It took me this long to realize what I learned.

                I learned that you could truly fall in love. I learned that when you love and never been loved before you fall in love with love. I learned that I have been loved before I just did not allow myself to love them back. I learned that Brandt was my first love but not my lifelong love.  I learned that I know how it feels to love and that it can happen again. I learned that feeling is better than not but only with the balance of loving yourself first. I can do anything as long as I love myself, accomplish my goals and allow the right person to love me back.