Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Killing Myself


There are many things that can change your life. There was a man I loved. He was what I thought to be unique and he is. He was the first to give me my first heartache. For over two years I kept trying to believe that somehow things would eventually get back to normal. I tried to be his friend but it was not enough. He didn't treat me like a friend and I could not get passed how I felt.

One summer night I was out with friends and had a few drinks. In a bathroom stall I quickly turned into the crazy ex-girlfriend. Yes, this girl, the girl that said she would never fall into that category. I ate every thought or opinions that I had on women that choose to act the part. Where the idea came I'm not certain, maybe it was my exhausted brain constantly wondering why he treated me the way he did.

When I would try and be his friend he would throw crumbs at me like I was a lost baby chick. I would eat them all up thinking something would change. Then I would feel sick and used. After that pattern continued for a while that night I had had enough. I stood there looking at his FB wondering why he was so normal with everyone but me.

I guessed at that moment that maybe he just wanted me in his shadow. So I looked at his friends on FB and saw a name that I had seen two weeks after we broke up and sure enough I googled it. In my searches I found her Instagram and a picture of them that day. My first question was he said they’re just friends; why would a friend drive six hours to see her but not 45 min for me. Sure, I was selfish in that moment and I snapped. I sent him a very nasty text telling him how hurt and betrayed I felt.

I'm not proud of that moment. It was nearly "stalkish" and very unbecoming. I didn't cry. It was as if the blind I could see for the first time that I would always be, his secret friend. Just like the day he lied to his ex-Cecile and said we had just happened to hook up when in reality we were dating. Yes, he broke my heart twice. The first time he called me and asked to meet up and talk, in turn into getting back together.

After remembering that moment that he had lied to her I preceded to google her. When I found her, I found a different part of me. Coming across her twitter profile I saw her “100 days of happiness”. It was then when I realized that someone that had been impacted by him, as well as her impacting him was happy.

She was successful, happy and had moved on. Boom! Like a bucket of cold water it hit me. I could also be happy but I had to love me and make me happy.

As far as the stalking moment I had that night I think at times "you’re crazy" can make a positive impact on you. I'm not proud of that moment but I'm certain that I can breath and I can love and I can let others love me. I know in his mind I will always be that poor soul, that crazy ex-girlfriend and the girl who cried a million tears for him. I became Juliet but instead of killing myself for love I moved on.

No comments:

Post a Comment