Work in Progress

At the age of 27 I did not imagine my life the way it is. Maybe I never really imagined what it would be like, to be really honest.  I just never in a million light years imagined that I would be living in Connecticut and getting a divorce. It is true, when you are a child you want to believe that everyone around you is not that smart." We know everything, so we think". One thing that I was sure of is that by now I would have gone to college, have my own office or company for that matter. Instead, life had its own plan for me. There are many things that humans can control, like what you will eat tomorrow and where you may go. Then there are things that just happen. Natural unexpected situations that you somehow don't seem to have control over, It's more like your heart won't let you control and you make other choices.

At the age of 18 I had grown up faster then most my age. By that time I already knew how to change diapers, cook, make cloths, feed babies, love, and how to run a household. Not that I have kids, but I kinda did with 3 younger brother. Sure, this may sound like a sad story, but its not. I would never allow it to become another sob story. I chose to take charge of my brothers and that does not make me part of a sad story. Yes, my father was not around and my mother left us. I had to work extra hard and put a hold on many dreams and goals but that is something that I do not regret.

I am 27, and at the age of 21 I married a man whom I thought I would live happily ever after with. Not that he was a horrible man or I was a horrible wife. It's almost hard to explain why I am where I am now, because it all seemed perfect. We had a house, two dogs and jobs but my heart got lost. I fell out of love. I found myself walking in a circle over and over as it snowed, and I could not find my way back. I tried but it was to late. My entire life I wished and hoped that the person I would marry would be the one for my lifetime,  as it turn out It was not so. Foolish girl I am.

At 25 living hear in Connecticut all alone for the first time in my life I began to think, just like I always do. I began to dissect everything. I now had time to feel what I had never allowed myself to feel. For the first time I could be mad at those who have hurt me, left me or simply deemed to destroy me. In the same year I had started to build a relationship with a father that I had not seen or spoken to since I was five. All these emotions, for the first time they where not in a drawer neatly stored away. It all took over and I began to run instead of walk. I no longer was sensible and soon I began to fear everything and everyone.

Then one day I met a man. A man whom for some reason, he was like a magnet that i could not run from. he began to try keys to unlock me and even though I fought against it, the key kept turning. I found myself slowly feeling and the falling for him. Now that I'm 27 I do not know if he will be the one for the rest of my lifetime. I do know though that for now it works.

If I am telling this story it is not to justify my actions or to make believers of my story. If I am writing about this is because I'm work in progress. I have slowly learned that you feel things good and bad. You take every moment and you can choose to take what you want out of it. I am not completely over everything but I know that there is a solution to everything.

What will happen tomorrow I do know. What will happen after that not so sure. I know that I am more ready now that I was before. I have a family I love, friends that I love, two dogs that I love, roommates that I love and more.

This year I say cheers to whats in stored for me, because whatever it is can only keep shaping my path. Its my billion piece puzzle. Sometimes I will wedge the wrong piece with the wrong piece. Soon I will discover the correct pieces.