We Hold On

We hold on

We hold on to things all the time. Some of the things we hold on to are objects, some are feelings, memories, but they all have touched our lives in different ways. There is always a reason we hold on, I’d say it’s mostly the feeling you felt in that exact moment. If I ever eat something way to spicy I think of my mother and the fact that when she was upset it would translate in her food. Her salsa was always extra spicy when she was upset but we only had one choice we would eat or not.

I’m 28 years old and I have held on to many feelings, smells, memories and even clothes and it wasn’t until I met a boy who always asked me “why”. He had the answer, but he forced me to think more about. See, I keep every piece of clothing in my closet for years hoping that I won’t lose that feeling. I have a pair of sweat pants my mother had given me and I could not get rid of because I could feel her hugs in them. When I moved from California to Connecticut I found myself bringing all kinds of things that I had accumulated over the years that reminded me of all the pains I have been through.

When I got married at 21 years old I wanted to start over but it was something I could not do, at least not then. For four years I battled letting go of my life, and my past. Instead of facing it I kept it in, unable to share with the person that I shared my life with or with anyone for that matter. I dissolved the marriage. I spent 3 months contemplating on feelings that I had never had before.  I began therapy and emotions began to drown me.

During the same period the boy continued to challenge me along with changing me and at some point hurting me. At times, I can feel that pain but mostly I try to let go. During two and a half years of learning I came out with one thing - I could sit here wanting, not allowing and letting myself drown or I could move forward. There was a point where he had made me feel like no one could ever hurt me again, but that is not the case because he did. In order to grow you have to feel, you have to let go and only keep what really matters.

After my divorce, I ended up with an old window that was going to the garbage from his grandmother’s house and that was pretty much it. It was that same window that allowed me to let go. I was moving again and yes, I took the old beat up window with me. It’s a reminder that I sometimes have to allow myself to be transparent and that at times you have throw out old things and let the new come in.  In my move I gave lots away. I got rid of my prom dresses, wedding dress, and that boy’s T-shirts that kept me hung up on him. When I think of that pink prom dress I think my first love. When I think of the wedding dress I think of growing up. When I think of all those T-shirts I think of how he made me feel. Now they are memories which I will keep but I no longer have to carry on my shoulders. I’m no longer defined by those things.  I use to think I was unique but I was like everyone else. I may not be as different now but I know I can let go.

New memories await new stories, laughs, smiles, cries, love, new shirts, dresses and entries to new windows.  To that boy, I kept everything because they use to make me but not anymore “I make myself”.