Love Translation and Old

It had been three days since she had left

It took three to realize she was gone

It was normal for her to be gone

On the fourth day the landlord came knocking on our door

You have 30 days to leave..What?

Your mother never paid the rent

I was used to her not being there for my awards, for my soccer games, holidays, or anything important

I was not surprised

She had left me alone many times

She had left me with my aunt for a year

She had left me with my grandmother for three years

I gathered my stuff and moved in with my other family

I worked every day and tried going to school.

Walking and taking the bus

I would sleep at rest stops if it got too late because I was too embarrassed to go to what was my home at the time

Other times my boyfriend and I would sleep in the car outside a Home Depot.

Every day without fail my grandmother would call

She would call because yes, she had left my brothers with her

Every day, every day, every day, something was wrong

They did not do their homework

They did not clean their room

They did not, not, not, not, not!!!

I could only take so many nots! I wanted to choke myself or run away.

Instead I got an apartment-- moved in with my boyfriend and took them with me.

How would I manage? What if they are bad? What if you make a mistake? What if? I asked

Everyone was waiting for me to fall, to fail, to cry

9 years later I would

All the feelings I never felt came out the day I met him

I gave him all --he took it all

It was my choice

I felt what love was, I let the wall down

Then one day during my therapy session after he had shattered my heart she asked, how did you feel when she left?

For the first time ever I could feel what I never felt then

Someone had left me and I finally knew what it really felt like

Did I not love her? Or was I just numb from all her shit?

I wanted to be protected; I did not want him to leave

I had allowed him to see, see me for who I was

He was the first person to care that I had been raped

He was the first person to tell me no one would ever hurt me again

He was the first one to peel the paint away

He was the first to tell me I was beautiful

The first to make me feel great about sleeping naked

The first to say he was proud

The first to not judge me

He was the first to really fight against my stubbornness

He would not take no for an answer, he would not ask… he would just help

He was the first orgasm and the first to say good-bye

The first to say he would always be around

The first to not put up with my shit

One day he left and I wanted to die

I cried and wanted fly; I wanted to burst into air

The pain came, I could not breathe and I could not speak

Only to realize that I could feel

I was alive and it made me afraid

I was not dead

It’s not that I did not love her

I just did not know how to feel

My instinct was to protect

My feeling was to love them

To help them, not show emotion because to them I was the strong one

I was the smart one; I was the one to keep it together

I no longer had them to protect

No more being strong

No one to take care of

Alone with my thoughts

Alone with my fear

It was me, myself and I

What I should have felt I had neglected

I had suppressed

I had been too fuckin’ angry to care

Not anymore!

Now I was too fuckin’ scared and all I could do is cry and be sad

Then again the sadness turned into anger and the anger turned into madness and when I was done crying it turned into strength

The strength turned into loving me

And then turned into being a bit selfish, learning what I want, accepting who I am,

Making choices for me not for them

I broke the chain, no longer captive

It turned into freedom

Free at last he said free