Secrets of a Poet: Tears of Christmas: It is the day after Christmas and I have cried three times today. I can’t explain the feeling. I don’t even know if it’s sadness. I ha...
My name is Karla and when I was born my name was almost going to be Yoko. There are times I wish I knew who I would have become if I were Yoko. Instead, I am Karla and I would not change it if I could. I write because it makes me happy. I'm not an expert but there is something special when people tell stories.You may or may not understand my poems, stories, or what I call segments of my life;I hope to inspire. Even if it's just a fragment of inspiration.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Tears of Christmas
It is the day after Christmas and I have cried three times
today. I can’t explain the feeling. I don’t even know if it’s sadness. I had
two amazing days with people that treat me like I am a part of something. The something
that I am feeling is hard to except because I have never felt that good in my
life. As a kid many things seemed great. My cousins were the best, my brothers,
my aunts and uncles but deep down there was something missing. I was missing a
sense of belonging and not know who you are. At the age of twenty eight I should
know who I am but the reality is I’m still finding Karla. When I was eighteen I
dated a boy named Joel whose family was loving and caring but I let it go
because I did not think I deserved it. When I dated Eric he made me part of his
entire life every single bit of it and once again I let that go because, how
could a girl like me deserve that? When I met Michael P he turned my world into
a world made for a princess. The one thing Disney forgets to tell us is that if
you have never experienced the world of royalty you become lost; and it’s
unfair for the person that has to try and polish you. Then I met who I believed was my perfect named
Michael B and then you realize he never loved you. At that exact moment I finally met my prince,
my dad. For the first time in my life it all makes sense. Mike B came into my
life as a “learner” to teach me that it is possible to love. My father came
into my life to teach me about me and give me an identity. The reason I do not
talk to my mother is because I was in search for myself. The tears I cry
tonight happen because I am happy that I can see the road to something bigger
and better. The Stohler family came into my life in the most important time and
in the most needed time for me. The day I met Abby Stohler, I mean really met
her was the day she offer a helping hand to me without even knowing me. I was
in such bad place in my life and she overheard me talking about my breakup with
Mike B and she offer to talk or to get coffee. This was foreign to me, this
girl that had only known me for a month or two wanted to be there for me. It
was faith that I could meet such a person and shortly after I met her family.
Sitting in a room full of sounds of laughter, giggles, snuggles, random dancing
and singing I felt so welcomed. I felt a part of a family. The one thing Mike B
thought me is that you can allow yourself to feel and deserve love. The one
thing my father has thought me is that things do not always have to be so black
and white. The day after Christmas I cry because I am on my way to getting to
know me. We all deserve to be loved, to love but most important to know how to
love you.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Milk
I was 6 years old the first time I felt desperation. It was about two am and my mother was not home. Not sure if she was out or actually working most night became a blur. My baby brother Jonny was crying and I had to get up to feed him. We lived in te garage of this house my family rented. At first I took Jonny into my arms and began to sing and that did not work. Then I changed his diaper but that did not work. He kept crying. I set him down to make him a bottle when out of my small six year ok hands the entire container fell. Powder milk everywhere. I did not know what to do but scoop some into te bottle. Sorry Jonny. I began to cry because I was so desperate. I just wanted to make him feel better. I was scared what would she say? All I could think of was her being mad. There in the middle of the night a 6 month old baby and a six year old girl cried side by side until we fell asleep. The world was to huge and I felt the size of an ant.
Winter
Winter is back
Bitter and cold, it slaps you
Thinking of last year
You sit there so sad
Snow on the ground reminds you that it’s hard
The wind blows on your face
Your nose, oh so cold
You have forgotten the soft warm touch of his kiss
In the dark all you hear is silence
You are afraid
Then one day
You
realize the harsh bitter truth, you never needed him
He is long gone and all is fine
He is just the old cold shadow following you
He no longer has the power, you can look into his
face
You can change the shape of the shadow, it’s yours
It never belonged to him, he never had the power
The soft warm touch was your mind, it was your hand and
your heart
The heart that you gave to him but now you can take it back
It was never his too keep
It’s just a matter of time
When you sit there looking out the window
Sitting next to your dog, not a sound around
Christmas lights glimmering, don’t forget you are not alone
It was always you and winter battling
So turn around and walk away from the shadow
And take what’s yours
so long winter
Ho Ho Ho
Oh Christmas!
Christmas is not hard because I need or want things; it’s hard
because I have such a mix feeling about it. Growing up with 22 cousins was
amazing. I loved Christmas as a kid because I always awaited the arrival of all
my cousins at my grandmother home. There were several groups of cousins. See in
every family there is a “Tele novela “or what Americans call a soap opera. The dynamic
of my family was simple because every family was defined and I guess that’s the
same for everyone around the world. My
mother had 6 siblings and she was the 3rd oldest. There were 5 girls
and two boys. For purposes of protection I will only use their first letter of
their name.
L was the oldest and had 3 boys. Two of her boys were a few
years older than me. This was the all American family. They played sports, had
the best of everything and were born in the US. They even had soda, and if you
were a kid in the90’s that was huge.
A was the second oldest and had 4 boys. They were also pretty cool and had top of the
line everything. Except these cousins were a bit different because they were mix
of Mexican and Pilipino, not a bad thing but it was different.
G was the fourth oldest and her kids were brats. I hate to
say it because we are all brats as kids but this was above and beyond. There were
two girls and two boys. These kids were the ones that had to have what they
wanted, when they wanted and they got it. Other than fast food they did not eat
regular food.
B was the fifth one in the family and she had two girls and
two boys. They were the perfect family. Her husband worked and she was a stay
home mom. The girls were not allowed to play with boys and were never to settle
for less. Name brands were a big deal and the girls were made to be wives
someday. The boys were brats but for the most part I was closest to them. I
always admired their mother she always seemed so calm and collected like
nothing could face her. My grandmother
would go upside down for these kids.
Then there was M, what can I say about him. He was the
second youngest and a total jerk. If there was ever someone I really disliked so
much in my life he would be at the top of the list. He had kids later in his
life. He lived with my grandmother until he got married and even after. He had
two girls and a boy plus two step girls. His oldest I love dearly, probably because
I took care of her.
Last was the youngest N who is closest in age with me. She was who I wanted to be like until she got
pregnant at 18. Not that having kids at that age is bad I just imagined her
being the one to travel and go to school. Instead she settled and had 3 more
kids. She had one girl and three boys. They were my grandmother’s favorite.
Then there was us I was the 3rd oldest of the
cousins and I have 3 brothers on my mom side and 3 siblings on my dad’s but
they were not around. We were the
outcasts. Our mother was what people call the wild child. My brother was a
little trouble maker and the two youngest were dealt with the pressure to
fallow him. I was the one who tried to keep us together. Every uncle or aunt
had something to say about us. “There mom is crazy” “something is always going
on” “oh Charlie” “when will she get it together”
“they will all just end up like her” and this went on for years and years. Most
of my life I ignored comments. But every Christmas the comments would slap more
and more on the face. As I began to grow and understand what they meant I began
to resent them.
Every Christmas I could not wait to see my cousins but I
dreaded the fact that my mother would most likely disappear, and I would hear
the comments. On top of that everyone’s gifts would remind us that we would not
get anything from her. Lastly, I would learn that I am the most stubborn and
proud girl ever. I was in 3rd grade when I learned that I would
never except a gift from anyone because they felt sorry for me or obligated. It
started Christmas day that year when our mother was MIA and my grandmother gave
my uncle money to buy us a gift at Walgreens the only store open on Christmas
day. He came back with this little black bubble boom box. It was the size of an
orange. It was like sitting in a room with tape over your mouth listening to
all the bad things you could hear about your mother. So I did what any 3rd
grader would do I gave it back. Of course I was reprimanded and I had to take it;
but man oh man I was mad.
After a while I did not care anymore about who or what they
gave me. Instead I focused in trying to make my brothers happy. As soon as they
moved in with me I began to make sure they would have almost everything they
wanted. I would wrap everything for them even socks. That’s when Christmas
became fun and good for me. I have never been one to ask for anything except
for happiness and if you know me you know I love to make people happy. The way
people smile and glow when they receive something even a flower or a smile
makes me happy. Living in CT is bitter sweet. I miss my brothers, cousins and
friends. I do not miss the drama. There are times I feel lonely but then again
there are people that always surprise me and make me happy. In the end I
learned that you make your own happiness and sometimes your family is those who
put a smile on your face not always the ones you are born with.
PS. I did not turn out like my mother or father. I am myself, I am Karla.Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Planning my Escape
Have you ever seen
a woman walk into a room and charm everyone? If you have not seen such a thing,
you need to meet my mother. See, we never had much and we moved around a lot. We
rented rooms, apartments, lived with my grandmother, lived in a car and even in
shelters. We were far from even middle class. But if anyone knows my mother you
would know that she has this wift of elegance. There is something about her I
cannot explain. It was as if she owned the world. She is the kind of woman that
no matter the day or what the weather is like she is always dressed up. She never
walked out without makeup and heels. Men would surround her like she was the
only one in this world. She knew how to get what she wanted. The only thing
about her is that her insecurity and immaturity made her dull. It was like a
beautiful painting was being washed away. She was the color red but certain
things made her dark, noire, she had a side you did not want to know.
When my mother was
happy she was happy. She always played music, danced around the house and enjoyed
drinking. Then there were times when she would call our names screaming,
shouting for us. You never knew what it was about. Most days she wanted to us
to find her other shoe because she had lost one a few nights ago. So, there we
were on the search for her shoe. If it took long she would begin by cursing at
us, only to smacking us on the head. If you cried she would hit you and you did
not want that.
I will never
forget, one hot summer day. I cannot recall why she was furious I just remember
she began to hit me and then my brother. I was six and he was five. She was on
top of him. With a wooden spoon she began to hit his face, time after, time
after time, after time. All I could do was screaming for her to STOP but she
would not.
Then there was
another time when we were trying to find something and we couldn’t so she began
to hit us. She took my face against the mirror and told me she hated me. She proceeded
to get my brother and I completely naked and had us kneel down outside in the
rain. She had us holding buckets of water and if we dropped them she would hit
us.
Then in a moment
she would apologize and somehow I would forgive her. Somehow I felt like it was
my fault. Her charm would enchant me and she would always make it better.
At times I felt
she had two personalities. The lovely woman could have people eating out of her
palm, and then there was other woman that was nasty.
I had been
planning my escape ever since I could remember. In fourth grade I had a job
just helping a lady clean a Laundromat. I began to save all my money. I would
get $25 a day. Next thing you know I had hundreds of dollars because I did it
for a whole year. At the time my mother
had no idea what I was doing because she was too busy going out, having her girlfriends
living with us and sleeping until noon. I had even begun to learn how to drive.
One day we had had a very bad fight and she kicked me out. She said I should
leave if I did not like living whit her, and to take my brothers. It was what I
had been waiting for. It was my moment. If you know me you know I’m stubborn
like donkey. Ran to my room or closet where I lived and packed everything. I
grabbed my brothers and walked out the door. It was the very first time I had
defied my mother and it was the first time she realized I was not six years
old, hahaha I was nine but in my head I was 30. As we waited for the elevator
she walked out after us. She asked “Where do you think you are going?” In reality
I think she just wanted us there because, if not she’d be in trouble. She apologized
and so we went back to hell.
What I gained that
day was strength and for the first time courage. The teemed girl was still
there. I was still shy and awkward but I had a sense of control and no one
could take that from me.
E and Four years
Senor year in High
school was amazing!!! I know that most people hate high school but I actually
had a blast especially senor year. I had turned 18 during senor year. I was in
every club possible and was swimming on top of that I had the best friends I
could have ever made. Every Thursday through Sunday we would go out to parties
and I was dating a boy. That relationship only lasted 6 months but it was
blast. This was the same year that I had
gotten a small scholarship and had gotten in to all the schools I had applied
to. I was on top of the world but with that came many obstacles. It was the
first time in my life that being an immigrant actually faced me face to face. I
had gone through the entire school system and now I could not afford college
because I was not a citizen. To make it more interesting my mother had gone
through her second divorce and I found her in the worst depression I had ever
seen her. I imagine she was doing drugs because she was always locked in her
room and awake all night. She would leave with random people and not come home
for days. I was the head of the family and I took care of my brothers. Then one
day she took my brothers and left them at my grandmother house.
While all of this was
happening one day E showed up at my door. He was a boy I had often thought
about because he was quite peculiar. Except I had never had spent much time
getting to know. I invited him to in
with all my other friends and I made us all dinner. He looked at me and said “if
you feed me I will never leave” and he never did. He became one of my best
friends and eventually we dated. It was the toughest relationship because we
were incredibly compatible except I was faced with growing and taking on
responsibilities that most 18 year old girls do not face. The next four years E stayed by my side and
most people thought we’d get married. Unfortunately, I was not ready for that. There are many components to why not and why
we broke up, mostly my fault. See I have always been good at destroying
relationships. It has always been easier to walk away. The most important
reason is that no one should have to go through my pains because I have
to. E and I broke up in 2006-2007. He deserved better. He needed someone normal,
someone to give him what I could not. It was hard because even after the brake
up, we kept in touch and at times we even slept together. It was hard to let go
of four years.
List of things in
the four years
1. I had a 3.5gpa
2. I was homecoming
queen
3. I got a
scholarship
4. I got into
every school I applied to
5. I began to date
E
6. My mother disappeared
7. I took care of
my brothers
8. I was homeless
9. I was still
dancing Tahitian dancing b/ the Sencil family let us do it no cost
10. I moved in to
my best friend parents’ house
11. I worked illegally
12. I had 3 jobs
13. I took legal guardianship
for my siblings
14. I moved in
with E to our own apartment along with my brother.
15. We got a dog
(Tug)
16. We broke up
Being an older
sister taking a role of a mother was not easy. I had long working hours and no
sleep, always tracking down my brothers. At times they went in and out of
juvenile detention. Making sure they went to school and mediating when they fought.
This story is not
for anyone to feel sorry for me. This story is to tell E that without him I
would not have ever been able to survive that stage in my life. Thank you for
being patient. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving my family no
matter the disasters. Thank you for all the rides to Target, all our furniture
building because it was all form Ikea. Thank you for making me laugh and for
creating “heavy Hands”. Thank you for sleeping with me in the car. Thank you
for all that you did. I’m sorry I could not give you more.
I always knew you’d
be happy and I know you found that.
My Very First
The first time I kissed
a boy I was 14 and he was just a boy, and I just a girl. He was a bit different
this boy. He had braces and combed his hair back. It was in math class when I
first noticed him and he noticed me. See I have always been a bit strange and
for some reason what I do has always been different. I can’t really explain how
this boy and I initiated our dating but I can tell you that our friendship
began in math class. See our teachers dad had died and I wrote her a feel
better card. It’s not like I needed brownie points I had an A in the class. I
have always just felt other people’s pains. Almost, as if it had happened to
me. This boy, being a boy began to call me TP teacher’s pet but instead of
making me mad I laughed. See I was never embarrassed to be me and it was cute
that he was flirting. Days went by and TP continued and next thing you know we
are standing in the Science building holding hands and with no say he just
kissed me. I was shocked and it was as if that moment had frozen. From there on
we were attached to the hip. We wrote love note, poems and had long making out
sessions. He bought me little roses and a bear for Valentine’s Day. We kissed in the rain and he walked miles to
see me. We talked on the phone and he took his socks for me when mine were wet.
He walked me home and picked flower for me. It was the sweetest love I had ever
had in my life. But like all things with love comes heart ship. I had told him
what had happened to me and he became jealous, insecure, but most of all very
protective. And just like my whole world
had been chattered. It had been destroyed by someone who led to destroying me
and my relationship. I’m not ready to describe what happened to me on my 15th
birthday but it was not good. This boy could not help me and he walked away.
Junior year of high school was not the same. The one I loved had left me
because it was too hard to handle. Do, I cried and cried and cried. A year and
a half later we met but I could never go backwards. I could not let him back
in. The first time in my life I realized that could hate. I did not hate him. I
hated the fact that I was ruined and he walked away when I needed him the most.
It took some time to understand why he did and why I always loved him and why
we still keep in contact. I could never forget my first kiss, the first time I
realized I loved, and the first time I had needed and wanted someone in my
life.
PS. To this boy:
if you ever read this just know that I know it was hard and I will always H.I
love you.
Without You
Sometimes there
are people that mark your life forever. There are moments you can’t forget and
pains that will remain. In the long run there are good things and bad things
and things that just happen. You love the way you may never love. You kiss the way
you may never receive one again. You talk
for hours as if tomorrow will end. You hug someone and savor that hug because
you think you’ll never get one again. You fight for that person or with that
person because not everything is happiness. But in the end you take it all in.
You’ll love again, you will definitely kiss again, the talks will come, new
hugs will come, and the fight will always exist. It’s up to you to open your heart, close your
eyes and feel the warm embrace, have your ears ready, open your arms and never
stop fighting because without you there is no love.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Girl on an airplane.
My eyes just opened and my jaw dropped. I apologized and told they how sorry I was. Sorry people, but that is not something you share with some random stranger and seem like it's not a big deal.
I look around, thinking who could I tell. Why was I in such dismay? Was it because they seemed like they were so refreshed. Like it wasn't a big deal that their son had died and they just told a stranger while still laughing.
Before we boarded I noticed this really tall girl. She looked so innocent and sweet. The kind of girl that has her shit together. So prim and proper you could almost hate but can't help but want to talk to.
We began to board and I was praying that those people would not sit near me. Somehow I was still in shock but also sad.
I sat down and pretty girl in grey dress sat next to me. I started talking to her and found she was super nice. Above all I had someone normal sitting next to me and I could release this random news that I could not seem to get past. We talked the whole way to Connecticut as if we were long life friends.
We arrived at BDL in Hartford and we exchanged cards. A few days later I got an email from her and we scheduled a lunch.
Never in a million years did I think we'd be friends. I mean but why not? We had lunch and drinks. We walked around and shopped. Next week after that we went out for Halloween. She was so cute I had to help her look slutty because she was far to innocent. I saw myself in her about 5 years ago.
After that night I knew I had made a great friend. Not only did I get so drunk she took care of me. She made sure I made it home.
Weeks after that we are still friends going out and having fun. Just last night we learned that her birthday in Sept 26 and mine is Sept 28. We are Libras and we have had are hearts broken.
"What happens on a plane doesn't have to stay there"
See sometimes you take risks and it's scary but good.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Silence
At times, I want to say something clever
What is cleverer than silence?
At times, I want to punch someone or something
Instead I punch the world with silence
At times, I want to scream as loud as I possibly can
Oh, I do, with silence and a smile
At times, I want to run as fast I could
But if I did only silence would ring and nothing to hear
At times, I want to hate you and at times I do
Then I refrain because silence would not hurt you, only me
At times, I want to rip this heart out, to remove the pain
If I do I’ll never know real love, you would win
I smile in silence because it’s hard not too and in the end, I
win
I stand in silence because I have concord my weakness
I dance and sing in silence, it is so much fun
You will never know what the silence means
I stay quiet, soundless
Time will come …
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Dark
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black hair
She wants to it to stop
Begins to cry
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black hair
She lets it go
Who would helper?
Who would care?
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black hair
Does she let him?
Can she scream?
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black hair
Gasping for air, clenching her fist
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black hair
Screaming inside, tears run down her face
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black hair
How to make it stop?
What difference does it make?
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black hair
Disappearing is no option
The friction and pain
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black hair
The touch makes her sick
Someone please help her
Don’t let her faint
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black hair
She hates it!
Is it over?
She sits there, looking around
Her dark black dark hair
No one to tell
No one will know
Nowhere to run
She sits there, only her dark black hair
Done
K: I love you
F: I hate you, look like your father
K: what did I do this time?
F: you could not find it?
K: find what?
F: my show
K: I’m sorry
F: sorry, how about you get your ugly ass and find it. Oh, and feed your brother
K: but I already looked. I looked in the closet, looked under the bed, looked everywhere
F: I don’t care find it!!! I said find it!
K: I don’t know where to look
Silence
K: please, please, please, don’t!!! I promise I will find it. I promise…
F: don’t promise me anything, you are just like your father you good for nothing.
K: why? Why? Why would she do this? If you exist, if you truly exist why would you let her do this? Talk to me!!! What did I do to deserve this? Look at my face, look at my hair. Do you not feel my pain? Please help me, I beg. Please …
F: get out of there you good for nothing; your brothers need to be fed. Clean the dishes and don’t forget to do the laundry. You’re not my daughter and if you don’t like here you can leave.
K: hey guys! Where is she?
Boys: we don’t know!
K: What do you mean?
Boys: who cares? She said she doesn’t love us. She said she didn’t care. Why do you bother we are better out without her.
K: she is till part of us.
K: You never listen. You never help! What have I done to deserve this? Why do you treat me this way? I’m done!!!! You hear me?!! I’m done…..
Monday, August 5, 2013
Into the Dark
The thought of death
Every day I wake up
I walk into the bathroom as my dog follows me
She sits there looking at me yearning for some love
I talk to her in my half asleep state
I get in the shower and all I think is “just another day”, “a good day”
Today is different, I think of death
As I drive to work, I imagine my car exploding with me in it
Am I sick? Or am I just simply jaded
I do not understand
To my friends I am positive, I love life, to learn and most of to be happy
“I have a fire in me” I say to myself
Could it be loneliness, sadness, or just another pre-menstrual feeling?
Selfish, I say, to think of death
My dysfunctional life made me immune to this feeling, which I have always felt
The feeling of crazy, nonsense, disaster, and discomfort
I begin to think it’s normal
Bouncing up and down, tragedy and resilience
I smile of the thought of death because somehow I am able to let it all out
To write it, think it, and talk about it
I feel it and will not allow it to take the best of me
To think of death
Releasing it was not easy
“Let the bitch go “!!!
She is dead!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Sky blue
I was not a girl to cry
I don’t know why
Maybe it was easy to neglect
It was easy to forget
You came along to take it all away
With one kiss on a snowy March night
Foggy and wet we walked hand in hand
How could I forget?
As if that was not enough, you took my heart
You came blasting like the wind blowing down my walls
All my bricks were undone like a pyramid
You kissed me and all was right
I had never cried until you got into my heart
You led the way and I came undone
I cried with a smile the day you made me feel alive
I cried with happiness for you made me see the mountains a different way
I tried and tried, to not cry; now my tears make a river
Floating down the stream by myself
You left me
I cried
You picked me up to throw me right over the cliff
With that smile and your charm
I was enchanted and I cried
You kissed my lips and the sweet taste of love bloomed in my heart
I cried
My world became a never ending tunnel of surprises
Only to find you did not love me
Yes, you know what happened next, I cried
But not today! Not again!
This girl learned to cry and yes it was not always pleasant
It was not always happy
I will never be what I want it to be, it will be what it is in this moment
If we are meant to be, we will be
Once I cry it will be the past and the past will be history
I was never one to cry….
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Green is to grow
Have I become weak, frail, feeble and sad? Is it possible that after years and years of hardship I have now caved into those feelings I so detested? As a child growing up with a mother who found herself in distress every minute of every day I despised her inability to be strong. I hated her, for allowing any feeling to sink into the deep ocean. Every relationship she went through ruined her she would give it all up just to fail. She traded her love ones for men and friends.
I never really understood why I felt so distanced from her. I always felt detached and now I know why. Yes I did not have my father by my side and that’s a different story. A few years ago he contacted me. When the news first came to me that he wanted to talk to me I felt angry. I wanted to just yell and shout at him, I cursed him. I could not understand why it took so long. I could not understand why my mother had never told me why they were not together. She never spoke badly about him and neither did my grandmother. The big question, why???
My next reaction was to talk to him but I wanted nothing to do with why he was not around. I said to him once –Let’s just start over and take it from here. The idea sounded amazing, I was the better person to try and be ok with a new beginning. My brain could not stop itself; I continued to think like I always do. – Was there something I was missing?
My boyfriend at the time was great and supportive, he would say- just move forward and except it, it’s in the past. In some ways he was right but my stubborn self would not allow it. I kept digging and writing. I wrote a story about my mother, it was late July and my father read it. He emailed me and requested to speak to me. I was scared at the thought but I agreed. It was time. At the same time my brother called to tell me that he was only my half-brother that he knew that my dad was not his. I was almost mute but my sisters slash mother instinct kicked in and I replied- no matter what happens, no matter who are parents are, no matter how far or who comes between us, I am your sister and I love you with all my heart.
The day came; I sat in my room nervous waiting for his call. I counted every second and all I could think of was what Brandt had said- What do you want to accomplish Karla? All I could say is I want to close this and turn the page. He insisted, and said that I could do it without them. The phone rang and we began our conversation. He told me he was sorry. He told me the entire story that is too long and shameful to write. One thing I did know is that it all made sense. The stories that he told me were not far from what I had lived with her. She was young, selfish and sick. That is the only explanation.
The most captivating thing was that she had never been there for me, since the day she gave birth to me she had left me alone. I had realized why I had no connection to her. I can’t blame her for all but I can blame her for not being there for me. I was so depressed I could not get out of bed or eat or think. Brandt had to get me out of bed and drag me to eat. I will never forget eating sushi together, he rubbing my back and my tears dripping on to my chopsticks. Then he took me to my favorite frozen yogurt place where I had spent many sad days but even that could not make me better.
Soon after I heard the story, I became more anxious, depressed and restless even insecure about everything in my life. I would constantly ask Brandt to not lie, to please tell me the truth. I don’t know what truth I was looking for but he gave it to me when he broke up with a few weeks later. I had never been so desperate, so sad, so lost and I had never begged anyone in my life. He walked out with my soul and I had given it to him. For the first time now I understand why I felt something. Two things happened one, I learned what it feels to feel and second, I learned how much you need those that you love especially when you need someone in the worse times. I guess I had never needed anyone emotionally; I had always put emotions aside to do what I had to do to survive.
I could finally understand why she was so in love with love. My mother was enchanted by love because her life was a waterfall of disasters and at that point in my life I needed that love. I truly did love him so much; I gave him a second chance only for him to tear my heart again. It took me this long to realize what I learned.
I learned that you could truly fall in love. I learned that when you love and never been loved before you fall in love with love. I learned that I have been loved before I just did not allow myself to love them back. I learned that Brandt was my first love but not my lifelong love. I learned that I know how it feels to love and that it can happen again. I learned that feeling is better than not but only with the balance of loving yourself first. I can do anything as long as I love myself, accomplish my goals and allow the right person to love me back.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Black
When the wind blows
Take me away into the distance
Make me feel the burst of love, the softness of a touch
When the ocean roars
Swing me away like a child
Drown me in your arms; just take me away from all of this pain
When it rains
Let me feel the droplets
Let me taste the world but don’t ever let me go
When the sun comes up
Don’t let me be sightless; please don’t let it burn me
When trees plant there roots
Don’t allow me to plant mine, I don’t want to settle
I just want to grow
As you grow old
Don’t stop listening, don’t go blind on me, don’t ever let me go, don’t forget me I beg
When they bury me
Make sure there is daisy’s every day
Pull out all the weeds and tell me s story
Smile at me, smile at me, smile at me
I will lay there and listen
I will hug you and smile
I will sing for you in the distance
You will feel my warmth with the sun rays
I will never forget you
I will never forget you, I will always remember
Red
How does one get over a broken heart? We can all relate to the symptoms of a broken heart. Broken Heart: a place deep inside that hurts extremely bad you can die, it cries so much it begins to dry, it’s so numb you forget to breath, so cold it makes you blue. I had no idea that that could actually happen.
See there are many things and people that have broken my heart but I have never been as despaired as I was the first time I really had my heart broken. For the first time ever, I begged and pleaded for him to stay. I screamed his name so loudly it felt like I was all alone in the world. The pain came rushing not just in my heart but my stomach my head. I could not eat, I could not sleep. It was as if I had run away from sleep and it would chase me. Soon, I became numb allowing my body to take over I could run for days. As the pain got worse the more I could run the more I wanted to feel the pain because that was the only thing I could feel. Not anyone or anything could make me smile. I found out what it meant to be blue. After a week I had lost 12 pounds and I had lost myself.
After two weeks, he returned and wanted me back and like a starving child I went back. No second thoughts, no hesitation I loved him. Six months later he did it again. It was like a sick joke. This time it was different. He had already taken part of my soul that when he broke up with me I was confused. So, muddled in my head, I stayed with him that night. I cried for hours lying next to him full of disbelief with hope that I was dreaming. He rubbed my back and gave me water. It was as if I was sick and all I needed was cough syrup and after three days I would get better. We had breakfast, we had a nap, we had lunch, we made love and still I felt the pain. The next few days were a blur full of stupid things. In the middle of the night I drove to his house. I called him a million and one times. I did everything I could to see him. He became my pain and cure. Some may say I’m a masochist. Some will call me crazy now for allowing myself to be friends with him.
I don’t know if I could ever be over him or how much I loved him but I do know that would never get back with him. I do know that I hope we could always be friends because there is something about him and us that is impossible to break.
See I don’t think I could ever feel the same way for him because that kind of love has come and he took away. I love him in such a different way. He is my protector, the one I could tell anything to, the one that will never judge me. He is there if I need him but keeps his distance. Can I lie and say that it does not hurt, no; it does from time to time it hurts. But I have learned and accepted that he was not the one for me and he does not deserve me.
“I always say that two people should fit like two pieces of a puzzle”, but if there is even a slight gap we have to keep trying to find the perfect fit. The cure to a broken heart is not cough syrup, it’s not staying friend with that person, and it’s not accepting the situation; it is whatever works for you. The cure for a broken heart is whatever you do to feel better. If distance works for you, stay away. If hating helps, then hate them. If running or sleeping or screaming or jumping just do what you want. Just remember that if it stops working, make a change.
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