Tears of Christmas

It is the day after Christmas and I have cried three times today. I can’t explain the feeling. I don’t even know if it’s sadness. I had two amazing days with people that treat me like I am a part of something. The something that I am feeling is hard to except because I have never felt that good in my life. As a kid many things seemed great. My cousins were the best, my brothers, my aunts and uncles but deep down there was something missing. I was missing a sense of belonging and not know who you are. At the age of twenty eight I should know who I am but the reality is I’m still finding Karla. When I was eighteen I dated a boy named Joel whose family was loving and caring but I let it go because I did not think I deserved it. When I dated Eric he made me part of his entire life every single bit of it and once again I let that go because, how could a girl like me deserve that? When I met Michael P he turned my world into a world made for a princess. The one thing Disney forgets to tell us is that if you have never experienced the world of royalty you become lost; and it’s unfair for the person that has to try and polish you.  Then I met who I believed was my perfect named Michael B and then you realize he never loved you.  At that exact moment I finally met my prince, my dad. For the first time in my life it all makes sense. Mike B came into my life as a “learner” to teach me that it is possible to love. My father came into my life to teach me about me and give me an identity. The reason I do not talk to my mother is because I was in search for myself. The tears I cry tonight happen because I am happy that I can see the road to something bigger and better. The Stohler family came into my life in the most important time and in the most needed time for me. The day I met Abby Stohler, I mean really met her was the day she offer a helping hand to me without even knowing me. I was in such bad place in my life and she overheard me talking about my breakup with Mike B and she offer to talk or to get coffee. This was foreign to me, this girl that had only known me for a month or two wanted to be there for me. It was faith that I could meet such a person and shortly after I met her family. Sitting in a room full of sounds of laughter, giggles, snuggles, random dancing and singing I felt so welcomed. I felt a part of a family. The one thing Mike B thought me is that you can allow yourself to feel and deserve love. The one thing my father has thought me is that things do not always have to be so black and white. The day after Christmas I cry because I am on my way to getting to know me. We all deserve to be loved, to love but most important to know how to love you.