Newspaper Wings

I wanted to save the world,

I did, really

I would walk down the streets on my way to school and pick up trash; I would talk to the trees

I would help anyone with anything

In fourth grade, wait or maybe fifth grade, no; no it was fourth grade when I was an earth angel

Newspaper wings, it was noble, it really was, the notion of saving everyone

I could fly!

I wanted to save the world, earth, my mother and brothers

I would stay up late and cry at “The Save a Child for a dollar a month” ads or when I would watch the news

Five in the morning watching Univison all the disasters, pain and suffering  

I could feel the hurt, oh my brain, it hurt deep in my heart

I was lucky living in a closet, I was thankful leaving in a car or at the park, or in a shelter, a rest stop, it did not matter lived in America the land of prosperity

Even thought, I found out one day, that day, that I could only save me and take care me too make the world a better place. The harsh truth that there was very little I could do, I did not cry.

I could never forget….

I made this world a better place.

With a smile, a hug and or energy

Being friendly and being there for anyone that needs me, and volunteering and speaking

I may not ever be Mother Teresa or Gandhi, and or even Jesus  

I make a difference

I wanted to save the world, I did, I did!

I wanted to carry them

They carried me, they saved me, and they made me

I saved the world!

Love Translation and Old

It had been three days since she had left

It took three to realize she was gone

It was normal for her to be gone

On the fourth day the landlord came knocking on our door

You have 30 days to leave..What?

Your mother never paid the rent

I was used to her not being there for my awards, for my soccer games, holidays, or anything important

I was not surprised

She had left me alone many times

She had left me with my aunt for a year

She had left me with my grandmother for three years

I gathered my stuff and moved in with my other family

I worked every day and tried going to school.

Walking and taking the bus

I would sleep at rest stops if it got too late because I was too embarrassed to go to what was my home at the time

Other times my boyfriend and I would sleep in the car outside a Home Depot.

Every day without fail my grandmother would call

She would call because yes, she had left my brothers with her

Every day, every day, every day, something was wrong

They did not do their homework

They did not clean their room

They did not, not, not, not, not!!!

I could only take so many nots! I wanted to choke myself or run away.

Instead I got an apartment-- moved in with my boyfriend and took them with me.

How would I manage? What if they are bad? What if you make a mistake? What if? I asked

Everyone was waiting for me to fall, to fail, to cry

9 years later I would

All the feelings I never felt came out the day I met him

I gave him all --he took it all

It was my choice

I felt what love was, I let the wall down

Then one day during my therapy session after he had shattered my heart she asked, how did you feel when she left?

For the first time ever I could feel what I never felt then

Someone had left me and I finally knew what it really felt like

Did I not love her? Or was I just numb from all her shit?

I wanted to be protected; I did not want him to leave

I had allowed him to see, see me for who I was

He was the first person to care that I had been raped

He was the first person to tell me no one would ever hurt me again

He was the first one to peel the paint away

He was the first to tell me I was beautiful

The first to make me feel great about sleeping naked

The first to say he was proud

The first to not judge me

He was the first to really fight against my stubbornness

He would not take no for an answer, he would not ask… he would just help

He was the first orgasm and the first to say good-bye

The first to say he would always be around

The first to not put up with my shit

One day he left and I wanted to die

I cried and wanted fly; I wanted to burst into air

The pain came, I could not breathe and I could not speak

Only to realize that I could feel

I was alive and it made me afraid

I was not dead

It’s not that I did not love her

I just did not know how to feel

My instinct was to protect

My feeling was to love them

To help them, not show emotion because to them I was the strong one

I was the smart one; I was the one to keep it together

I no longer had them to protect

No more being strong

No one to take care of

Alone with my thoughts

Alone with my fear

It was me, myself and I

What I should have felt I had neglected

I had suppressed

I had been too fuckin’ angry to care

Not anymore!

Now I was too fuckin’ scared and all I could do is cry and be sad

Then again the sadness turned into anger and the anger turned into madness and when I was done crying it turned into strength

The strength turned into loving me

And then turned into being a bit selfish, learning what I want, accepting who I am,

Making choices for me not for them

I broke the chain, no longer captive

It turned into freedom

Free at last he said free

Happy V-Day!!!

 

When I was in 4th grade I knew, I really knew I would marry Francisco, except it did not happen.

 The school I was at had a program that had third and fourth graders together. In my class was a third grader named Miguel and soon I would find out that his brother was Francisco. Francisco was in 5^th grade but on the second day of school in the hallway I noticed him. He was so handsome with his light brown hair combed to the side and his green eyes. He walked past me and it was then I knew he was the one. I was smitten by Francisco. Every day I would watch him play soccer and everyday Miguel would serenade me in class. He would sing songs by Enrique Iglesias. He would sing so much the teacher would have to tell him to stop. I guess to Miguel I was the one. On Valentine’s Day that year the unexpected happened. The 5^th grade kids walked into every class and gave us candy and who would give me a lollypop but the one and only Francisco.

As I received the lollypop I turned so red I could have passed out he had taken my breath.  Janet was one of my friends in elementary school that could not keep her mouth shut. She shouted from across the room “Karla loves Francisco”!! I wanted to run. In that moment Miguel looked at me like I had done something to him, more like I had ripped his heart out and put in a blender and had it for breakfast. Oh, the terror. I could not say a word, yes I was speechless.

My secret had been revealed and I had destroyed Miguel’s heart all because someone had to say something. From that day on Miguel would only sing songs of broken hearts and I could no longer sit and watch Francisco play soccer but I was the happiest girl on earth. Yes, I was the happiest because if I had held that secret forever I would have exploded and what happened next would not have happened.

The last day of school I began my journey to the back exit of the school and when I got to the end, there he was, Francisco. He said hello and walked me home. It was the sweetest walk of my fourth grade history or my elementary life. He was not the one but I could never forget that walk home.

The next year I saw Miguel but he was no longer in love with me.

Some endings don’t have to be fairytale endings just sweet.

NYC

Living in Connecticut you realize you have opportunities that you only imagined as a child. It's not like Connecticut has zero to offer but let's face it, it sucks. The great thing is job opportunity and you can take a short drive or train ride to NYC or Boston two cities people will never get to see or only dream of seeing. 

Sitting on the train on my way to NYC makes me feel like I'm in a movie. My parents and siblings may never get to do this. Sitting here reminds me how fortunate I am. I have a connection to NYC that is like having a secret crush. 

I was in 7th grade when I decided that someday I would escape from my crazy ice in California. I was in a class for children who did well in school called AVID. This programmed opened the eyes of children whom families have never been to college, traveled or we're migrants. They would teach us things out parents did not know like write a check or a letter. In addition, the class showed us that there was another world. 

We had an assignment to pick three colleges we wanted to go to. Colleges?! Wow! 

I had no idea where to begin no one in my family had ever done that. My plan was to find 3 places that my mother could not find me at. Berkeley was my first choice but it was not far enough. Second choice was a college that would help me go abroad I choose San Jose state. Last I came across New York City there were some many schools. I decided to Google the city itself. It was beautiful. So many lights, buildings and thousands of people no one would ever be able to find me. I would start over. Like an ant in A Bugs World, I would be just another person in search of an adventure. I had been enchanted. 

Senor year in high school when it was time to apply my mind had changed. With the way things were at home I had to apply somewhere near home in case things got worse, you know. I applied and when I told my mother she said “you can't leave me" "you have to stay forever." 

In my mind I said "hell no."  She did it she left one day leaving me with her responsibility. 

Years later I moved to CT, never thinking I would be close to NYC. I don't know if I'll ever move there. I don't know the future. I do know that whenever I get on the train to visit NYC it's like a movie. It's like a fairytale. Like sitting in a room and watching a projector. All the images, all the buildings I get lost. 

Secrets of a Poet: Tears of Christmas

Secrets of a Poet: Tears of Christmas: It is the day after Christmas and I have cried three times today. I can’t explain the feeling. I don’t even know if it’s sadness. I ha...

Tears of Christmas

It is the day after Christmas and I have cried three times today. I can’t explain the feeling. I don’t even know if it’s sadness. I had two amazing days with people that treat me like I am a part of something. The something that I am feeling is hard to except because I have never felt that good in my life. As a kid many things seemed great. My cousins were the best, my brothers, my aunts and uncles but deep down there was something missing. I was missing a sense of belonging and not know who you are. At the age of twenty eight I should know who I am but the reality is I’m still finding Karla. When I was eighteen I dated a boy named Joel whose family was loving and caring but I let it go because I did not think I deserved it. When I dated Eric he made me part of his entire life every single bit of it and once again I let that go because, how could a girl like me deserve that? When I met Michael P he turned my world into a world made for a princess. The one thing Disney forgets to tell us is that if you have never experienced the world of royalty you become lost; and it’s unfair for the person that has to try and polish you.  Then I met who I believed was my perfect named Michael B and then you realize he never loved you.  At that exact moment I finally met my prince, my dad. For the first time in my life it all makes sense. Mike B came into my life as a “learner” to teach me that it is possible to love. My father came into my life to teach me about me and give me an identity. The reason I do not talk to my mother is because I was in search for myself. The tears I cry tonight happen because I am happy that I can see the road to something bigger and better. The Stohler family came into my life in the most important time and in the most needed time for me. The day I met Abby Stohler, I mean really met her was the day she offer a helping hand to me without even knowing me. I was in such bad place in my life and she overheard me talking about my breakup with Mike B and she offer to talk or to get coffee. This was foreign to me, this girl that had only known me for a month or two wanted to be there for me. It was faith that I could meet such a person and shortly after I met her family. Sitting in a room full of sounds of laughter, giggles, snuggles, random dancing and singing I felt so welcomed. I felt a part of a family. The one thing Mike B thought me is that you can allow yourself to feel and deserve love. The one thing my father has thought me is that things do not always have to be so black and white. The day after Christmas I cry because I am on my way to getting to know me. We all deserve to be loved, to love but most important to know how to love you.

Milk

I was 6 years old the first time I felt desperation. It was about two am and my mother was not home. Not sure if she was out or actually working most night became a blur. My baby brother Jonny was crying and I had to get up to feed him. We lived in te garage of this house my family rented. At first I took Jonny into my arms and began to sing and that did not work. Then I changed his diaper but that did not work. He kept crying. I set him down to make him a bottle when out of my small six year ok hands the entire container fell. Powder milk everywhere. I did not know what to do but scoop some into te bottle. Sorry Jonny.  I began to cry because I was so desperate. I just wanted to make him feel better. I was scared what would she say? All I could think of was her being mad. There in the middle of the night a 6 month old baby and a six year old girl cried side by side until we fell asleep. The world was to huge and I felt the size of an ant.