The Dora Project

The Dora Project

Freckles

I was five when I arrived in a red two person truck. My uncle had picked up my grandmother, brother and I from the airport. I sat in the middle and my brother sat on the ground. We arrived to the house everyone called "The White House " the house that I can't really remember. I only remember that my brother almost burned the house down. Or that my cousins had all the Ninja Turtles and spaceship. That my uncle wanted to be a ninja. That my mother was not there waiting for me when I walked in. Except there were all of my relatives sitting, talking, waiting with gifts. Someone, I can't remember who gave me a live size doll. One thing I do remember was our neighbor. Her name doesn't come to mind. Maybe it was Jenny, Stacy or Jessica, it was a real American name like the ones in movies. There she was playing outside and I went over to see what was going on. To my disbelief I saw what I had never seen before. A girl with freckles and red hair. All these dots all over her body. Her red hair shining bright from the sun. All I wanted to do was touch her skin, I had never seen such a creature. She was so beautiful. That's when my fascination with wanting red hair and freckles began. Not many know this about me but I always and will always want red haired kids with freckles. I know it's probably never going to happen unless I adopt a red head baby. This may seem a bit odd but freckles are so beautiful in my eyes.
To all who have freckles please embrace it because you are unique and beautiful.

Lost in space or anywhere

I guess I could be sitting in the middle of a war zone and not even know it. I did not realize I had that mechanism of ignoring my surroundings, until a boy pointed it out. One day as we were looking at childhood pictures that my father posted on Facebook he turned and said " I love the lost look you have in every picture, as if you were somewhere else". At first I felt it was almost an insult. Especially when he said you do that sometimes when you are thinking.

What!? Did I really do that? No way! I could not be that obvious. The truth is, yes, I do have a lost look when I think.

The look comes from my past. Many times whenever there was chaos I would zone out everything. When my mother would get explosive because she could not find her going out shoes I would just try and ignore her. Whenever she would hit me or my brother I would think of children in other parts of the world who had worse lives than mine. Whenever she swore to me or my brothers and told us she hated us, I would zone her out and think of ways to run away. Slowly I became better and better at distracting myself. When that did not work I would hide in the bathroom. As I got older I began to also try and distract people from noticing my problems by being happy.

Don't get me wrong I don't always zone out for terrible reasons. There in space is where I come up with great ideas. Ideas such as writing, what to paint, places I would love to visit or what to do next.

I maybe lost in space or I may be a dreamer like my friend Lori says.

Belonging

Well I did not really finish documenting my trip. What can I say. Well I ended up in Patterson CA with my aunt. My friends Ashleigh and Kelly came over and the party began. Not really a party but like in most households the head of the house hosted a great lunch and wine came out.

Kelly is a friend I made after high school. She is hilarious! Ashleigh and I have been friends since freshman year of high school and just had a baby. Little Eve.

After 3 bottles of wine and a tequila drink we started to sing karaoke. Yup! I was out there singing to Katy Perry but really sounded like a whining dog. Then we continued to Vallejo to have dinner with Jennifer O. She ha been my best friend since senior year of high school. More drinking not so much fun the next day. But it was worth spending time with them. Not to mention it was Jenn's birthday.

The next day we had posole it's a stew made with beef and corn. So delicioso. Mmmm...

Then at 4 am off to Cincinnati to meet up with the Brandt family. It was so much fun. Two days later I was stuck on a airplane for two and half hours before actually leaving. Sat in there on the Tarmac waiting to take off.

Then got back to CT and went skiing. Yesterday was New Year's Eve and I went to NY.

I know this all seems boring traveling here or there. But I learned one thing on this trip. See I did not go home to my parents or brothers. My parents are divorced and my brother well they're a long story. The point is that I felt a bit sad and like I didn't belong. Staying with extended family is great but it's not home. Staying with friends is fun but also not home. You get the point.
Someone on this trip made me feel and see that family and home is being with people you love. And it doesn't have to be cookie cutter style. Sometimes belonging is being somewhere with people that make you happy. It's not a state or house or place. Simply being with those who care about you.

To those of you that help me, support me, challenge me and love me; I want you to know that I love you.

Triple xxx!

Day 3 of my trip was a bit exhausting. I love my family and appreciate advice but at times is too much.

21 question:

Why are you divorced?
Who is the guy in the picture?
Are you guys serious?
He looks like he is not sincere.
He should do this or that.
He better treat you like this or like that.
Do you want kids? Why not? You should have kids you're getting old.
Why do you live in CT?
What are you doing with you're life?

Why so many questions? I don't understand. I feel like I'm at the fair and I have had ten hotdogs. Like I've been on on a spinning ride forever. And as soon as I get up my world is up side down. Then I speak to my mother whom only begins to cry; and then she is shocked because I'm divorced. After crying babies a beer and glass of wine I was Done.

Should I have to be a certain person to be excepted.

After a few hours of torture I finally got away with my cousins. We had a couple of drinks and talked about all the questions. It seems to be the consensus that we have all been in the fire. We shave all be tortured. Now why is that necessary? The question that will never be answered.

Well that's family for you and we all have one.

Day two San Joe

From San Francisco I was dropped off to San Jose. I arrived at my cousins house in time to have some tea with my aunt and do what we do. We began by talking about what we call "chismes", also known as gossip. We laughed and talked some more. The next morning I had a Mexican breakfast beans and carne con chile. Then we walked to pick up my niece from school. See this important to me because the east side of San Jose is where I grew up. Walking there it almost felt like home. Lester Shields elementary now was divided into two academies and Pala middle school is now Escuela Popular. Things have change as have I. This place brought great memories and many that I wish I did not remember. It reminded me that I'm still not from there or from here. All I know is that it is a page from my past.

San Francisco Trust

I arrive to San Francisco and I'm extremely excited. I can almost smell the fresh air as I'm walking to baggage claim. I can see the light and to my amazement my bag was right there. I picked it up and walked outside to wait for my friend Chris to pick me up. As I wait this woman pulls over and asked if had come from New York. I said yes. She asked if there were people still waiting for their lugged. Since she had a baby in the bag seat I offered to look, but I did not see anyone. What happened next I could not believe. She asked if I could watch her baby and cat so she could look for the person. I couldn't say no. There I am almost in the car watching this baby who cad the curliest hair I had seen. She looked like was going to cry so I began to make funny faces. She loved it. It must have been about two minuets max but it felt like an eternity. I almost thought it was a prank or I was in some show and someone would come out and say they were just testing my integrity. Unfortunately it was not like that. She came back thanked me and drove off.

In the end I'm glad that there are still people that trust. Maybe we are not all to damaged. If only we could all be that way.